$8 Blowjobs on 14th Street

June 23, 2011 · 1 comment

‘Tis a sad day indeed, dear reader, when I’m scraping one of Josh Allen’s websites for blog fodder.  Wait . . . no; not really:  would that I could pull it together enough (maybe read something about internet copyright law and whatnot) to set up a separate Josh Allen tribute site, but I’m not exactly sure how that would work anyway.  [Would I have to get fatter and hairier and even more self-conscious/critical?]

Aw, fuck.  Now I’m all wrapped up in the concept of “tribute site” when all I really wanted to do was pass this little ditty on to you:

Thanks a lot, internet, for getting my hopes up. I really appreciate it, internet. Oh you stupid internet. BITCHFACE INTERNET. Why do I keep forgetting that you are run by people who look to Lord of the Rings for political philosophy. (“Even the smallest hobbit can make a difference!!!!!”) Oh I am done with you, internet. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again next week when my “that sassy Alice waitress nude” google search turns up hot nothing — I am DONE.

OK yesterday I’m reminded that to be an American is to be both arrogant andincompetent (you’d think one would cancel out the other! so weird!), and the problem is then I come in to work at an ad agency. And if you’re already thinking “our country is fuckola’d,” the last place you want to walk into is an ad agency. The last thing you want to have to do is sit in a meeting and talk about how to coerce people into buying more processed cheese, because then it’s really hard to dodge the fact that you are The Problem. Yes I’m using second-person to distance myself from the horrible truth — it’s the magic of writing.

So I looked around for a new job, as I do every evening while unwinding with a paper sack and some floor tile adhesive, and I see Victoria’s Secret is looking for a copywriter, and all of a sudden I love our country again. There is hope, there is a way to improve your life and the lives of your fellow citizens. The dream is still alive.

the house of wigs #55

So yeah, would the “tribute site” work kind of like a tribute band, and if so, how the frig would that work.  I mean, a tribute band is a bunch of cats or kittens who do their best to . . . wait, let me just scrape some more from somewhere else (here) on the interwebz:  A TRIBUTE band captures the true essence of the experience one might have if they were to attend a concert by said band in the here and now.  …the fan walks away feeling as if they had just seen their favorite band live…almost. Aaaaand blah, blah, blah:  I didn’t read the rest of the forum posts in the thread because I can say in my own words that a cover band just plays someone else’s songs – whether they’re trying to get as close as possible to the radio version or putting their own twist on the music (which, parenthetically, kind of pisses me off about the word “tribute” in the Metallica cover CDs I own:  they’re just a bunch of different bands doing a “tribute” to Metallica by covering Metallica’s songs in their own flavor).

So could a “tribute site” simply be as easy as scraping my favorite stuff by Josh Allen and posting it thereon?  You’d read my site and sure as hell walk away feeling as though you’d just read your favorite internet author’s words directly from his fingertips.  Which would, of course be true – but what if, instead of simply highlighting, Ctrl+C-ing and Ctrl+V-ing, I actually re-typed each of his posts? Then it would truly be just like a tribute band:  you’d get my own typos, lazy non-linkings and general fuckups and whatnot, so it would be wicked close to Josh Allen’s stuff, but you’d get that “…almost” feeling too.

I’m totally onto something.

However.

I have no intention of doing any of the above right now.

But.

I’ll give you a bunch of links to Josh’s stuff.  He’s funny as shit smeared on a baby (when they think it’s chocolate and it’s somebody else’s kid) and has been my favorite internet writer for quite some time now.  We’re also facebook friends, but not the kind that post on each other’s wall and send messages and stuff.  I secretly think I’m just one of those “trophy friends” for Josh – which I’m totally ok with because I feel the same way about him, except that I do in fact hope to meet him irl at some point before one of us dies a gruesome death at the hands of Big Brother’s Machine.

Anyway, here you go, a bunch of links to Josh’s stuff:

Fireland Twitter Feed

Fireland (on tumblr)

Ten Sexy Ladies (on tumblr)

Chokeville

Fireland (the site)

house of wigs

And that’s all I’m going to give you right now because it’s all I can come up with off the top of my head.  I think there’s some other stuff out there, but mostly places where he’s a contributing author.  If you think I missed something particularly cool, please let me know.  I fucking love this guy.

 

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

d. August 26, 2011 at 11:26

Not quite sure why, but I actually really like this post, Ted. Must be the newish stream-of-consciousness tone and manner.
Or.
The didi-esque employment of one-word sentences. ;)

Damn, it’s been a long time.

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