…with his whine?
I’m sitting in class right now. The lecture is NJ Civil Procedure. I couldn’t find any material in my bar review outline book, so I figured they’d be distributing something at the class. They didn’t. Turns out there is an outline in my book, but I just missed it. The pages of my review book have all been ripped out and put into separate folders by subject, so my NJ Civ Pro outline is in one of my folders – I just don’t know which one. It’s not one of the folders I have with me tonight, so that’s no help. And on top of this, the professor is lecturing directly from the review outline – he’s basically reading it to us and commenting as he goes through. So I’m doubly screwed. He’s going too fast for me to be able to even keep up and take notes.
So I’ll talk to you for a bit, dear reader. I might bounce in a little while. Listening to the lecture can’t be anything but good for me, so hopefully I’ll stay for the full 3.5 hours. Maybe I’ll end up convincing myself that I’d be better off at home, watching the lecture on my laptop and taking my notes into the outline. Jeez, I hope not. I also hope I can manage to keep this short.
So. To the whining:
Three major things happening in my life right now: studying for the bar (exam is in two weeks), working a full-time job (at which I have large long- and short-term projects coming due, plus daily tasks), and winter peakbagging (what I’d rather be thinking about and doing). The bar prep class I’m taking is designed for someone who’s not working and has all day, every day to study. I don’t. It’s a lot of stuff to study. I got 90/200 right on the practice test. Very Scary. It looks like I’m going to have to go to Taiwan again for work during the first week of March. That’s immediately after the bar exam. I will be sitting on panels and in (sales-y) meetings and basically have to remember everything about the nuances of s0liciting pr0xies in the T*iwan market by then. I have to put together marketing materials and detailed descriptions of our service offerings. Nobody else at my company does this or would even have a clue where to begin. We’re doing a deal with another company for a partnership in Taiwan and I have to have those details hammered out like tomorrow. I’m travelling to DC for lunch with the other company on Friday with the President of my company – he wants to finish negotiating at the lunch, the other company wants the details worked out in advance. I’m in the middle and frankly kind of scared that someone else is going to fuck up and bring the whole house of cards crashing down (or just start our business relationship out on the wrong foot). I’d rather be hiking. Planning hikes. The logistics of which mountains we’re climbing and who’s in what car and staying at whose house which night. I’d rather be hiking.
I feel much better today, but I’ve been feeling pretty goddamned overwhelmed all week – persecuted, even. Not that persecuted is necessarily the right word, but it’s close. Kind of a mix of persecuted and oppressed, but without the necessary sentient being actually doing the persecution-cum-oppression. But not like the world is out to get me. Just overwhelmed. Too much on my plate. To the point where I’m like a raw nerve: anything else added on top of all the (admittedly self-induced/initiated) stress seems HUGE. The teeniest thing seems like the end of the world: a simple question at work, an incoming phone call, remembering that it’s time to change the cat’s litter. Anything.
What’s really happening is that I’m persecuting and oppressing myself. I’ve taken on a lot and I expect myself to be perfect in all of these endeavors. I’m mentally and emotionally kicking my own ass on a minute-by-minute basis for not being farther along than I am. I am not loving myself. There, I said it. It’s all me. There’s no other entity causing me to feel persecuted: it’s ME. I’m the oppressive, overbearing father screaming at his inner child “WHY AREN’T YOU PREPARED? WHY HAVEN’T YOU STARTED? WHY HAVEN’T YOU FINISHED? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU’RE NOT MY SON.”
Ok, this has nothing to do with my Oedipus Complex – I’ll tell you all about that another time. This is just me setting the bar too high – and I’ll tell ya, dear reader, I don’t even want to publish that word ‘too’ because it feels like I’m admitting I can’t do something. My expectations for myself are out of control. AND, I’m adding the (real and perceived) expectations of others on top of my own, thereby making them heavier. I told one of the girls at work that I was nervous about passing the bar and she said “but you’re like the smartest person in the world! of course you’re going to pass.” She also asked me if I was worried because the whole office – especially the President, it seemed to her – is pulling for me to pass the exam. Jokes abound in the office about how much stuff I can handle – that of course they can give Ted one more thing to do: if anybody can handle it, he can.
Holy fuck, dear reader I really don’t want to say I can’t handle it, because that would be an admission of weakness and I really don’t do things like that. So please do me a favor and just read between the lines.
Any one of the aforementioned three things would be enough to fill my life by themselves. And I think I can do them all at once. AND, make them all look easy while I’m doing them. Yeah, I’ll talk about my pride and ego another time.
I quit drinking coffee three weeks ago and only drink tea and water now. I don’t feel ridiculously better, but neither do I feel as though I need coffee in order to get my day started. Nor am I constantly battling dehydration. I’d really like a cup of coffee, but for whatever reason, I’ve committed myself to this no-coffee-for-30-days thing. I’m drinking apple cider vinegar and taking my vitamins and drinking kefir and trying to be as healthy as possible with what I put in my body. But I’m full of knots and aches in strange places and all kinds of other manifestations of what I can only conclude must be stress trying to get out.
Anyway, that’s enough whining. I’m happy with my decisions. These are things I WANT to do and things I GET to do. It’s just an awful lot right now.
Here’s what I need to do:
- Meditate more.
- Drink more water.
- Be proud of myself.
- Not beat myself up (regularly).
- Pick one thing and do it – don’t keep looking at the rest of the list.
- Laugh more.
There are probably more things I should add to the list, but right now I just want to publish this and go pee.