I think I need to meet with a psychic or spiritual healer. I’ve got something going on with me that I can’t put my finger on to fix. I mentioned a week or two ago that I’d been struggling with self-doubt. Well, that hasn’t abated: the struggle continues. I don’t know why this is or where it’s coming from, but this is exactly the wrong time for me to be feeling like this.
I suppose it’s possible that I’m being guided towards caution, but I feel more like I’m running scared. Not necessarily running towards something or away from something, so I don’t mean ‘running scared’ as in overly fearful – what I mean is closer to overly cautious. Cautious to the point where it’s hampering. It’s a fault, not an asset. At least, that’s how I feel.
I’m in a relatively new situation at work – insofar as the players are the same and the circumstances have changed and/or the circumstances are the same but the players have changed – depending upon the circumstances and players I’m dealing with – if that makes any sense. The situation isn’t entirely unfamiliar, even though it’s different from one I’ve been in before on many levels. So, that said, I suppose I have good reason to be cautious.
In fact, I think that caution is definitely an asset right now. But not this much caution.
So yeah, something weird is going on inside of me. This is a time when I should be – figuratively speaking – taking the bull by the horns – both in my work situations and my outside-work situations. But I’m not. I’m dissembling. I know I should be taking the bull by the horns, and I know how and where to grab those horns and from which direction I need to approach the bull so that I’m not gored, but it feels like I’m spending too much time evaluating the direction from which I’m coming, figuring out my hand placement and calculating the angles and forces involved, when what I really should be doing is letting go and simply acting. Allowing myself to act and having the confidence that, even if I miss my initial grip, I’ll be able to adapt to the situation and turn it to my advantage.
But knowing the right thing and doing the right thing are two different animals. Normally, I can snap myself out of these things, but this has been going on for a while. Maybe I’m still coming down on the back end of feeling duplicitous about being at a job I knew I was going to leave. But still, I’ve had enough breaks in the continuity of my mental reality that such a feeling shouldn’t still be lingering.
That’s basically why I feel that there’s something else going on. Mercury isn’t in retrograde for another few weeks – and I’m not having communication issues anyway – and I don’t know enough about astrology to make another guess. Any suggestions are, of course, welcome, if you’re an astrologer, dear reader. There’s something that’s mucking up my internal energy flow. I think it’s an internal thing, but my gut says it could very well be an external thing.
I’m going to spend some time cleansing the feng shui of my apartment tonight and see if that helps. And then I’m going to get up tomorrow and face a new day and try all over again to get past whatever’s currently blocking me. Hopefully my spirit guide will have some more definitive guidance for me soon.