August 17, 2010 · 11 comments

I think I need to meet with a psychic or spiritual healer.   I’ve got something going on with me that I can’t put my finger on to fix.  I mentioned a week or two ago that I’d been struggling with self-doubt.  Well, that hasn’t abated:  the struggle continues.  I don’t know why this is or where it’s coming from, but this is exactly the wrong time for me to be feeling like this.

I suppose it’s possible that I’m being guided towards caution, but I feel more like I’m running scared.  Not necessarily running towards something or away from something, so I don’t mean ‘running scared’ as in overly fearful – what I mean is closer to overly cautious.  Cautious to the point where it’s hampering.  It’s a fault, not an asset.  At least, that’s how I feel.

I’m in a relatively new situation at work – insofar as the players are the same and the circumstances have changed and/or the circumstances are the same but the players have changed – depending upon the circumstances and players I’m dealing with – if that makes any sense.  The situation isn’t entirely unfamiliar, even though it’s different from one I’ve been in before on many levels.  So, that said, I suppose I have good reason to be cautious.

In fact, I think that caution is definitely an asset right now.  But not this much caution.

So yeah, something weird is going on inside of me.  This is a time when I should be – figuratively speaking – taking the bull by the horns – both in my work situations and my outside-work situations.  But I’m not.  I’m dissembling.  I know I should be taking the bull by the horns, and I know how and where to grab those horns and from which direction I need to approach the bull so that I’m not gored, but it feels like I’m spending too much time evaluating the direction from which I’m coming, figuring out my hand placement and calculating the angles and forces involved, when what I really should be doing is letting go and simply acting.  Allowing myself to act and having the confidence that, even if I miss my initial grip, I’ll be able to adapt to the situation and turn it to my advantage.

But knowing the right thing and doing the right thing are two different animals.  Normally, I can snap myself out of these things, but this has been going on for a while.  Maybe I’m still coming down on the back end of feeling duplicitous about being at a job I knew I was going to leave.  But still, I’ve had enough breaks in the continuity of my mental reality that such a feeling shouldn’t still be lingering.

That’s basically why I feel that there’s something else going on.  Mercury isn’t in retrograde for another few weeks – and I’m not having communication issues anyway – and I don’t know enough about astrology to make another guess.  Any suggestions are, of course, welcome, if you’re an astrologer, dear reader.  There’s something that’s mucking up my internal energy flow.  I think it’s an internal thing, but my gut says it could very well be an external thing.

I’m going to spend some time cleansing the feng shui of my apartment tonight and see if that helps.  And then I’m going to get up tomorrow and face a new day and try all over again to get past whatever’s currently blocking me.  Hopefully my spirit guide will have some more definitive guidance for me soon.

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Scott Ireland August 17, 2010 at 20:16

Get out. Push the envelope a bit – nothing routine, but bite off more than you can chew in the woods. Struggle and win. It’ll all make more sense.


Stuart Ferreira August 17, 2010 at 21:14

Get in your Mini and go for a drive up Bear Mountain.
Or, get your head out of work and read the motorcycle manual :-)


Lauren August 17, 2010 at 22:00

Should? Should should should. It’s such a loaded word. You have so much going on right now, please be nice to you.

It might be instructive just to sit with the resistance to all of the things you “should” be doing for a bit. Let yourself off the hook for a few minutes. Think about what you should be doing, then just watch what rises. What is the sensation in the body, in the mind? No judgment.

For me when I do this sort of thing, sometimes answers surface, and sometimes just giving the resistance permission to rise and be without stuffing it back down is enough to diminish it.

Whatever the case, a little quiet never hurts, right?


niceguyted August 17, 2010 at 22:48

Thanks Lauren. I didn’t realize I’d used that word so much. lolz – I’m usually on the giving end of the “shoulda-woulda-coulda” lecture.

A little quiet – especially the inner kind – is definitely something that would be good for me right now. I <3 my Daft Punk and Bach CDs, but maybe it's time to just sit quietly for a bit, sans distractions.

[PS: that avatar just might make a footboy out of me yet.]


Ted Wallace August 17, 2010 at 22:14

Scott, that’s pretty much what I was thinking – a few days alone in the woods, pushing it. Probably next week – I’m due for a break.

Stuart, I think I’ll make that drive tomorrow – and pull that manual out tonight.

Thanks gents.


Scott Ireland August 17, 2010 at 23:17

By motorcycle manual, do you mean Pirsig?


Ted Wallace August 18, 2010 at 01:15
Ted Wallace August 18, 2010 at 04:16

Yes please. =) Would you message me contact info for whomever you think most appropriate?


Ted Wallace August 18, 2010 at 05:20

Kinda weird that the blog comments migrate over here (and vice-versa) with my face all over them.

Thank you Anna. I’ll check your guy out.


Laura August 18, 2010 at 10:02

Hi Ted,
Amazingly enough, I have been going through the same thing with myself. I have had a block of some sorts and have tried to figure out where it is stemming from. Recently, I had a moment of clarity or more or less the realization that I am over-analyzing my destiny a bit too much and am resisting the natural flow of letting go. I sort of took my will back and was having unrealistic expectations of where I should be now and what I should have conquered as this point in my life. It all comes down to not being the driver but the passenger and that if the forces of life are ready for me to experience this in my life, it will prepare me or it will test me and I, assuming I have faith enough, will let it come to fruition naturally and not force it. I hope this makes sense. :)


Lauren August 18, 2010 at 13:05

Sometimes the handy thing about friends is that they remind you of what you already know.

And you wouldn’t be the first I’ve turned, fyi. ;)


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