eDating Profile FAIL (in my opinion)

March 31, 2010 · 3 comments

So as you may or may not know, dear reader, I’m an avid internet dater.  I’m on the injured reserved list right now, so I can only spectate.  I’ll be back out there soon:  I don’t anticipate being an emotional cripple for all that much longer.  I have the OkCupid iPhone app (don’t judge), and as I was sitting in my recliner (not five feet from this here computer), skimming through profiles on OkCupid (ok, judge), I noticed the one reproduced below.  I’m trying to figure out whether it’s ok for me to scrape her profile (I’ll skip the pics – though I will say that she’s relatively cute) from that website and post it on this one.  I’m going to go with ‘no’ and do it anyway:


I am human, female, and spry.

My Self-Summary

This profile thing has a lot of limitations.  For example, I’m single, but in the midst of divorce.  No drop-down selection for that one, LOL.  Drinking is either “often” or “sometimes” — I’m somewhere in the middle.  I only really smoke when I drink.

I work too hard. While sitting. I’m a writer.

I’m attractive, slender, sarcastic, loving, and a damn smart cookie. I’m a super high-energy, high-octane gal, probably a bit manic, so if you think that’s scary, run away!! Or see if you can keep up with me! I’m guess I’m kind of like your typical creative type… only better :)

I read fiction like it’s a fucking drug addiction. I don’t pay for music downloads. I have something against watermelon, and it’s serious. I probably talk much faster, and often louder, than you do. I have a cat who’s obese and old and utterly non-negotiable.

I don’t XXXX on the first date, and have no interest in one-night stands (something about this site makes this seem necessary to state explicitly, lol).  Not looking for a husband, either.  Just looking for that delightful feeling of *clicking* with someone new and attractive, then seeing where that leads.  Fair enough?

Also, important: I hate (HATE) chatting on this thing. Send me a message or something.  I work a lot; let me answer at my leisure.  That would be so super cool of you.  Besides, if you initiate a chat with me, I know you didn’t read my profile!!!!  And that makes you a lame.

And no hipsters.

What I’m doing with my life

I’m not really sure what I’m doing with my life right now except living it.

Anyone who says they ARE sure is lying.

I’m really good at

Writing, chewing through books, getting people to look at me on the subway by staring at them intently, Scrabble, spelling, intelligent discourse, juvenile humor, falling on my ass or face, remembering and reciting rap lyrics.

The first things people usually notice about me

My pretty face and my gangster wit.  Or my ridiculous clumsiness.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

BOOKS!  too goddamn many to list.  I blame the subway.  Currently reading: “Winter’s Tale” by Mark Helprin, who’s a Republican, but you’d never know.  Also in love with The Book Thief, The Alchemist, Grand Central Winter, The Handmaid’s Tale, any Stephen King fiction… so many more…

MOVIES! not nearly enough.  i like action and psych thrillers mostly.  sin city and amelie immediately come to mind, too.

MUSIC! rap and hip-hop, the lyrical kind (not that garbage they pump out of the speakers these days); rock; jazz; and classical.  NO COUNTRY.  Avenged Sevenfold, System of a Down, Jay-Z, Lupe Fiasco, Nas, Boot Camp Clik, Nina Simone, Ill Bill, Weerd Science and The Gorillaz are in rotation on the iPod at the moment.

FOOD! spicy or salty, or ethnic, or a hamburger

The six things I could never do without

1) my inner circle

2) books

3) the color yellow

4) [redacted]

5) hot showers

6) garlic

I spend a lot of time thinking about

*Personal happiness

On a typical Friday night I am

Up to no good.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here


You should message me if

You’re not creepy or completely sane.

Some additional criteria: ability to carry on basic conversation; attractiveness that’s not threatening; a job; age between 25 and 34; height and/or gravitas.

Don’t message me (please!) if you’re just looking for a one-night stand, live outside of the New York Metropolitan area, or hate cats.  I don’t understand how anyone can hate cats.

PS: If we work together, Hi! Please don’t judge, and keep my secrets ;)

Besides I’ll see you in my visitors, so say hello!!

OH NOES!  I’m being prompted to make my profile 1,000 words or more.  I have nothing more to say, so I’ll let the legendary philosopher Nas have the floor:


Yeah, it’s a choice you’ll soon regret.
His voice vibrating on through his chest.
Screaming out, ’cause the pain is just too indepth.
We’ll live life like Romeo & Juliet.

I’m a fuck-up.
I know that I always fuck-up; my life sucks; I can’t seem shut up.
I’m not speaking out loud — I’m socially scared.
They tell me: “shut the fuck up”, that nobody cares.

I dropped outta school; they didn’t see me leave.
Fuck graduatin’, I’m gonna get my GED.
Did I? Hell no.
I’m still cool, man.
Feel like an asshole, trying to tell these kids, “Stay in school, man.”

If I can take it back, I can take it back.
Even if it means, that the Lord takes the rap?
Wasted these years, chasing the dream.
(That’s what they said to me, at the taste of my dream.)

But they ain’t really …
Who are you, to judge me?
You don’t even really know what I’ve been through.
The words, they keep me …..
The dream that I happen to ….. with the devil

Yo, I ain’t sleeping shit, I breathe this music.
I speak free, wishing that he’s seeing me.
Seeing me, on my knees now.
Please give me my one chance, before it leaves me, incomplete, now.

My dreams far-fetched.
Yours are days away
To feel my heartbeat, it just might change your ways.
But it’s as plain as day, that there ain’t no way
A person like me, will make it work the same way.

So, give it up, Ryan.
Yeah, that’s right, Ryan.
Hard targeting, the world right around ya dying.
Listen to the words, listen what they tell you.
Quick, there’s no time left.
You’re gonna fail, you
You gotta get it, You, you gotta admit it.
That this is going, homie.
You gotta gotta get out of it.
This’ the end now, think there’s a choice.
Blink, miss your shot, do use your voice.

Yo, I need you, now, more than ever.
The more, or whether the more I mess up, I try so hard.
But in my mind, I got my slave, my time to relate.
I’m fine, go away!

Count my face, stop telling me right or wrong.
I can’t remember the last time you helped me write me a song.
But now you’re here, smiling.
As I look in the mirror, it seems clear.
I’ve turned silent.

Just gimme a person to listen.
To see my mistakes, and understand what I meant, while I was writing the page.
I am fighting the day, fighting myself.
Self esteem, rock bottom.
While I’m fighting for the battle.

I was a shock to me
The lightning was felt, in other words, my writin’ was felt.
And if I held one person my life became worth it,
And I would settle this.

Now, I’m not going to go off on some rant about how shitty this profile is or anything.  I’m not even sure that it’s all that shitty.  I stopped and read this profile mainly because I wish I had thought of the handle “effing_awesome” first.  I was tempted to email her something along those lines, but I have no real desire to go out with someone who’s projecting that kind of negativity in that kind of volume.

I have total mixed emotions about this profile:  On the one hand, I kind of appreciate her frankness; on the other, just about everything she has to say is a total turn-off.  From where I’m sitting, I wouldn’t be surprised if all emails sent that were sent to this profile received an auto-reply along the lines of “Sucka!!  You think you can handle this??  Not a chance.  PS:  even if we did date, NOTHING good could possibly come of it – unless you consider herpes good.”

Now, I’m all for questioning everything, but this entire profile seems like one big exercise in internet dating faux pas.  As much of a turn-the-bad-girl-good streak as I have, I’m staying WAY the hell away from this one.  Yes, I’m absolutely “the one who understands”, but shit:  this girl doesn’t even know what she wants.  She’s just pissed at the world and taking it out on that poor, poor handle of awesomeness she beat me to.

$5 says her soon-to-be ex-husband’s name is Ryan.  My heart kind of goes out to her – she’s obviously feeling pretty downtrodden about the whole divorce thing.  I can hear her screaming through her sobs and tears and it’s not a pretty sound.

So I suppose it comes down to this:  Please, “effing_awesome”, delete that profile so that someone who actually IS effin awesome can use it.  The profile posted under that handle is currently nothing more than a tiger trap.

*  *  *

[Update:  I just snagged the “effin_awesome” username on OkCupid.  New profile, here I come!]

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Heather April 1, 2010 at 06:48

Ah, the wild and wacky world of internet dating. How I miss those days [NOT!]. I remember going at it like it was a project, tinkering with my profile at least weekly, creating strategies and short and long term goals, becoming a total bore at parties because it was my latest fascination and all I could talk about (well, not really, but only because I didn’t go to parties).

It wasn’t until I turned an internal corner and decided to just have fun and not care what happened that something really good happened. Sounds like a New Age sound bite (and a departure from my usual commitment to the holy trinity: hostility, irreverence, and apathy) but it is true.

In Honey Melon Fudge, my soon-to-be-released novel, the protagonist takes a stab at internet dating, and creates a bigger FAIL than “effing awesome”. Her “ah-ha” moment comes and referring to her own profile she puts it rather succinctly: “Reading between the lines, this profile actually sounds more like ‘Self destructive OCD bitch seeks abusive asshole for self-fulfilling prophecy.'”

File under “shameless self promotion.”


niceguyted April 1, 2010 at 08:32

For more information about Heather, stop by her website or her blog. Her book, Finders, Seekers, Losers, Keepers also has a facebook fan page (fan it!), and you can find info on Honey Melon Fudge here. =)


Brian April 1, 2010 at 08:36

I’m gonna join OK cupid when I get home so I can meet this girl. I don’t know about effin_awsome but to me she sounds pretty effin_dope. Any girl in her early 20’s who even knows about the boot camp click has to be awsome. I just don’t understand why she has such a huge problem with watermelon…it’s so damn tasty. Maybe she’s a racist.


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