Dear Secret Blog – I Mean Didi

Oh, to be a fly on the wall of my brain.  I’ve been meaning to write Didi a nice loooong email for a little while now (as though there were another kind).  Too much shite is running around in my brain right now, and I haven’t been blogging it out like I usually do.  Quite a bit of it relates to feelings of rejection, which I find to be whiney and I’m not really one to be whining into my blog.  I usually whine to Didi.  And holy shit, are some of those emails long.

I’d put in a plug here for Didi’s blog, but you can’t see it if you’re not authorized.  I’m authorized, which is pretty sweet.  That means I get to see the bits of Didi’s soul that she mashes up and spreads on the computer screen.  It’s actually quite lovely.  She’s actually got two posts waiting for me that I haven’t yet read – I’ll do that tomorrow at lunch.  Now is me-time.

If I spent a bit of time, I’m sure I’d be able to figure out how to post “authorized reader only”…er…posts so that I’m not necessarily spreading all my junk on the computer screen that I’d rather keep between me and Didi (and probably Katie and Scott).  Not that any of it’s all that juicy.  Just whiney.

So I’ve been dipping my toe back in the internet dating pool a bit.  I downloaded the OkCupid app for my AyePhone and have – at least thusfar – managed to not check it in an obsessive/compulsive fashion.  I’ve been sending out short emails to some of the chicks I find attractive, and have achieved a modicum of success which I won’t hesitate to call heretofore unheard-of.

Now, my guess is that my numbers haven’t changed, but rather that my perception thereof has.  Where I once sent out well-crafted emails sealed with love and anticipation, I now mostly just don’t care.  Get back to me or not; my expectations are low.  So I’m not really counting how many emails I’ve sent against how many I’ve received.  It’s kind of a pleasant feeling:  send and forget.

This is mostly, by the way, due to the advice of some of the wonderful women I’ve met on facebook and Twitter.  Thank you, ladies, for taking the time to give me suggestions regarding my internet pickup line format and style.

That said, the emails I’m getting back aren’t of the “YES!!  I want to date YOU!!  NOW!!” category.  One such went something like this:

… also, and I hate to do this, I noticed a dealbreaker for me.  Maybe two.  Firstly, I don’t want to date a smoker and second, I don’t know how far away Ridgewood is from me.  I want to date someone that is conveniently located in my daily world.  I’ve only been to NJ once in my life.

That was actually part of her second email to me.  Things looked pretty promising until then.  She’s in Brooklyn – about half an hour from me.  I refrained from saying anything along the lines of “good luck your search; look me up if you get over your prejudices”.

Her first email stated that she liked my profile.  Huh.

This whole “conveniently located in my daily world” thing is a good example of the eBay-attitude toward internet dating that I’ve sadly seen too much.  God forbid people actually meet in person to see whether they’re compatible.

So yeah, that’s the end of my whining for this evening.

Or not.

That all said, as much as the whole eBay-attitude is in and of itself a dealbreaker for me, at the end of the day it still looks and feels like rejection.

What kind of sucks is that I haven’t had a chance to tell anyone about feeling rejected.  The above example isn’t really much of a big deal for me, but it tends to become one when I keep it in and spend too much time ruminating on it.  It’s like having a bit of nastiness in one’s mouth – better to spit it out and rinse with a palate-cleanser than to keep chewing.  I tried to find someone to talk with about it (to get it out in the air and rinse myself clean), but have not yet had an opportunity.  So this is the first time I’m speaking of it.  Again, I kind of prefer to do this kind of cleansing in a relatively private manner.  Whatever.  Welcome to the car-wash of my soul for today, dear reader.

The other bit of rejection (which only really compounded and exacerbated the first) I’ve been feeling in the past couple of days is easy enough to pinpoint.  The chick I’m tutoring in philosophy is the one for whom I’ve held a candle for the past year or so.  A few months back, she sent me the “just interested in friendship” email and I pretty much severed all ties – cut my losses – in an effort to avoid further pain.

This is the point at which I’d generally reserve the following for Didi’s eyes only – I’ll probably just skim through it anyway – so I’m kind of hoping that this stuff is buried under enough words in this post that only my die-hard readers are paying attention.

Well, a couple of months later, she asks for help with her philosophy papers and I really couldn’t say no.  Not really for who she is, but because she’s someone asking me for help.  And I dig philosophy.  So our first few meetings and conversations go pretty well – she’s not blowing me off at the last minute like she usually does.  She’s paying attention and trying to learn.  And we’re not flirting, which is key.  I’m keeping things all business, and I must also admit to being a bit reserved – not standoffish, but just very careful not to go down the road of flirting, as easy as that can be.  The rest of this will all be a single paragraph, I think: to further discourage lazy eyes and to fool myself into thinking I’m insulating my feelings from whatever.  Anyway, we met the other night and she talked a bit too much about her new boyfriend (a friend of mine) for my comfort level – and not particularly flattering things about him, either.  That and a few too many texts while we were working kind of made me feel like the whole thing was becoming a waste of my time.  I’m available to teach philosophy and help writing papers, not to socialize and gossip.  As I went to bed last night, it occurred to me that this is very similar to how she acted almost a year ago, when she would complain about her last boyfriend.  I’m not sure really where I’m going with all this, nor do I want to go down the road of straight-up bitching.  This, btw, is because when I write things here I feel like I’m having a conversation with you, dear reader (albeit currently one-sided).  My point of the foregoing is that when I went to bed last night, the old feelings of rejection from the “just be friends” email resurfaced.  I thought I was past that.  I was pretty proud of myself for being able to separate my former feelings for her and keep our interaction on a strictly professional level.  I am/was also beating myself up a bit about not being more straightforward and saying that I didn’t want to get into any talk about her boyfriend(s).  And now I’m wondering if I’ll be able to continue tutoring her.  I just don’t like the way I felt the other night, and it passed right on into today when I got out of work – like a mugger waiting for me in the car.  So anyway, that’s pretty much it.  If I’m going to continue feeling rejected, I’m out.  I’m not dealing with it.  In both senses.  I know that “not dealing with it” isn’t necessarily all that healthy in an emotional sense, but, to a certain extent, I will deal with it insofar as I’ll discuss it with the few confidants I have left in my life.  In the other sense, and probably the one that’s stronger with me (as the Force is strong with me), I mean that I’m not dealing with it insofar as I simply won’t allow this crap in my life.  I don’t need it.  I don’t need to spend time with people who are only interested in using me – whether at a conscious or unconscious level.  Fuck off, psychic vampires.