Still MORE Internet Dating Pickup Lines That Didn’t Work

September 9, 2009 · 10 comments

My sister Katie (who always remembers to bring the awesomeness) suggested today that I post some more stuff about internet dating.  I think she’s probably looking for a funny-ish rant along the lines of “Yet Another Reason Why eHarmony Sucks“, but I don’t know if I have something like that in me tonight.

At this point, I’m mostly just fed up.  I’m still on a handful of internet dating sites, but it’s been a while since I’ve scanned through profiles and tapped out a few emails.  Not much seems to work – from serious to flippant, my emails have run the gamut.  If you push your eyes to the right and down a bit, you can click on “Internet Dating” in the tag cloud and read some of my posts thereon.  Or you can click that last link, lazybones.

Once upon a time, my Internet Explorer home page tabs were all internet dating sites.  I’d get home, flip through them, scour the profiles for relatively attractive chicks whom I hadn’t yet emailed, and try to come up with something clever and engaging.


I’ve given some serious consideration to changing my profiles around coming up with some creative lies to get my foot in the door, but I’m really not into being disingenuous.  It’s just not my style.

I used to think that persistence was my style, but like I said, I’m pretty fed up.  I’ve totally had enough of eHarmony.  I’m pretty sure my account expires in October, but I’ll probably cancel it before then – so yeah, sometime in the next couple of weeks.  I’ve been on that friggin site for just about a year now and haven’t had a single date.

Let’s see:  my eHarmony stats:  I’ve probably been contacted by 20 to 40 chicks who I wouldn’t date to save the race.  I’m guessing I’ve requested communication with more than 40 women (at least a couple per month), probably 10-15 of whom closed the match immediately, maybe 5 took it all the way to “open communication” (actual emails), and the remainder just fell off somewhere during the never ending “guided communication”.  No dates with any of the five open communicators.  Overall, I’d say I received better than a thousand matches delivered by eHarmony – besides the aforementioned, the rest either closed the match out right away, I closed the match myself, or neither of us sought communication.

It has been suggested that I am too picky.  To those (few) who have, in the past, made said suggestion, I say, with all all the earnestness and emphaticability I can muster:


Go ahead and settle, you spineless twit.  “Any port in a storm” is a fine analogy, but neither are we sailing nor is it remotely stormy.  AND, the ship weathers the storm in “any port” – it doesn’t run itself aground and spill out its sailors and tell them “sorry boys, ye’re fucked – best be givin’ up yer sailin’ and start a-farmin’.”  No, dear reader, the ship turns back around and heads off into the sunset – first star to the right and straight on till morning, or some such shite.

In any case, here are a handful of emails I’ve sent (via in the past couple of months for your reading pleasure.  Feel free to critique them all you like in the comments section, all suggestions will be duly noted and filed.

Jun 16 – 11:09pm  re: “Propose an Edit”

Hi Jayne, I’m Ted. Yay internet dating. I’m torn as to whether I should have used an exclamation point with that last statement. I’m not a big exclamation point kind of guy, though. Jeez, I hope this isn’t reading like that country western song.

Anyway, I obviously need to work on my intros. I dig that you’re a reader and a photographer and that you enjoy early bedtimes on some Friday nights.

Would you like to get together for coffee or _______ sometime? <—Insert hot or cold beverage of your choice. Milkshakes might be fun, too. I’d be down to take you out to eat too/instead, but I’m not sure if that’s against the internet dating rules or not. ;-)

So, yeah…let me know – please, of course.


Jun 16 – 11:13pm re: You are DAMN hot.

That’s it. Hi. I don’t know the chances of passing by your profile again, so what the heck.

Have a great day. Somebody thinks you’re smokin’ hot, and he’s not a machine sending you fake emails.

May your life be filled with pleasant surprises…

[she lives way out in western PA – I was more going for the good-vibes thing than a date]

Aug 18 – 12:39am  re: Psi Phi

I don’t suppose I might get three or four points for that one?

Hiking and sci-fi novels: two of my favorite things. I’d say addictions, but I’m not sure that’ll necessarily qualify as starting out on the right foot. The left? I’m mostly right-brained, though…

I thought Cryptonomicon was pretty good, but mostly because it’s tough to find a 1500 page softcover these days. It’s been a while, but I think Snow Crash was better. I can’t say I’ve had any desire to read Stephenson’s other books. Have you?

Just this weekend, I got my ass reamed out for digging the Herbert/Anderson Dune prequels. My buddy said that they totally missed Frank Herbert’s overall point – that the Butlerian Jihad wasn’t a straight machine war, but rather kind of an evolution/paradigm shift in human consciousness. He told me that I need to go back and read the appendices to Dune itself. Next time I’m at B&N, I will.

Ok, as tempting as it is to continue pulling things from your profile that we have in common – blogging, reading, hiking, etc. – I’ll keep it short (for this verboser). How about a cup of coffee sometime? Or a series of email prequels leading up thereto, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing?

I’ve been all over the mountains in this area and have the well-worn maps and gaiters to prove it. I have more hiking and brain-related cards in my money clip than credit cards. But whatever, I’m more of a coffee-and-conversation-first-date kind of guy anyway. If you’re interested, that is.

Let me know.


Aug 18 – 12:55am  re: Coffee?

Hi Kristin, I’m Ted. Would you like to get together for coffee & conversation sometime? Like you, I’m enjoying the ride and always looking for opportunities for personal development. I dig that – I’d like to know more about you.


Sep 7 – 11:57pm  re: A Date

Hi, I’m Ted. I’m also usually pretty loquacious with my initial messages, but that, alas, hasn’t been wicked successful. So. Short and to the point. Like Hemingway. Or Prince. :

Pro: People use “thoughtful”, “warm”, AND “empathetic” to describe me.

Con: I actually use “awesomeness” quite often in speech and writing. 99% of the time, I’m referring to my sister.

Coffee sometime? I’ll buy.

PS: You’re hot and intimidating.

Sep 8 – 11:24pm [yeah, like half an hour ago] re:  replies very selectively

Ok, so yeah, I think you’re pretty hot and that’s why I’m messaging you. I know, I KNOW that makes me shallow and that no matter what I say after that, you won’t be able to shake that first impression. But what the heck, you’ve got great abs.

So…what’s your name? I’m Ted.

Do you really get ten messages a day asking if your profile is fake? Ugh. I’ve sent one or two of those – not to you – but to profiles that I’m absolutely certain were fakies (and on other sites). I suppose I’ll stop that now. Getting a message like that must be pretty crappy. Not good vibes. Probably bad karma, too. Assuming the ones I sent were to truly fake profiles, do you think that’ll somehow come back to karmically bite me? Oof. Not a pleasant thought.

Aside from the aforementioned shallow motivations, I dig the straightforwardness of your profile. It’s good to hear that you’re passionate about life. I’d like to hear more about you. How about coffee and conversation sometime? I promise I won’t do the whole too-cute-pocket thing (that sounds pretty dumb anyway).

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Christof September 9, 2009 at 00:47

Hi Kristin, I’m Ted. Would you like to get together for coffee & conversation sometime? Like you, I’m enjoying the ride and always looking for opportunities for personal development. I dig that – I’d like to know more about you.

You shouldn’t have mentioned ride, she thought you wanted to jump her the moment you met, you also should not have mentioned coffee as that is the precursor to sex aka “The ride”

you also should not have mentioned “Personal Development” that implies you obsessively masturbate.

“Would like to get together also implies “Sex” – see masturbation.

“I dig that” could mean you are a serial killer and chics don’t….dig that.

“I’d like to know more about you” could have her thinking you are going through her trash to either find pictures of a sexual nature to put on the internet or steal her ID and buy a boat load of blow up sheep”……chics don’t dig that either.

“Hi Kristin” well that’s just plain rude, it’s no wonder she never replied.

P.S I could be totally off base with these possible reasons…..but I doubt it…..lets meet for coffee sometime…i dig coffee.


BRIAN September 9, 2009 at 10:37

Ted I have tears streaming down my face right now. I thought to myself if I was a chick I would hope to be ugly so you would never send me an internet dating message.

It sounds to me like you are trying really REALLY hard with your messages. I also think that hot chicks know they are hot and don’t need people telling them that.

Maybe you should send out some test messages to some chicks and not try so hard..not tell them they are hot..and dumb it down a little. Not everyone is in mensa. Try being an A-hole and see what happens. If all that fails you can use my picture and height for your profile. Smart & Tall is the way to go… Is there a smart way of saying “I’m 6’5″?”


Being Samiantha September 9, 2009 at 12:20

Ted…. hmmm as a fellow online dater and being female, I see a few flaws persae.

Never tell a woman you think she’s hot. It’s rhetorical. Of course you think she’s attractive, it’s a percentage of why you’re messaging her.

I perfer if men did not ask to take me out right away.
build a rapport, have a conversation, let her/you get a feel for each other, cos what is good on paper, may change during that first phone call, when you learn she talks with her mouth full, yells at her kids without saying excuse me, etc.. you get a sense of their ability to have a conversation, their manners, etc.

I contact a lot of men. I’m not one to wait for them.
I’ll read their profile and send a cheesy msg back quoting something they mentioned. It’s an non assuming “HI”. It usually works for me, but very few will graduate from online dating site to msn(webcam) to phone to date.

Things that matter when I look at men’s profile.
Spelling/grammer! Yes it matters. A few human errors are okay, but every second werd mizspeld is jst wrng. lol

If they are unrealistic about their body type. (they put average or athletic) but havent seent their feet in years… no thanks. (I’m sure women are guilty of this too)

I will not reply to men who ask me something that is clearly stated in my profile. Attention to deatils.

Then of course there is attraction. It matters. I do not care what anyone says. It matters. Not model-esk etc.. but attractive to YOU.

Last step and a fairly important one, maybe more so for women, but men could save time doing this too.
Get on a webcam with them before meeting them!
Anyone can post a picture, but if they will not confirm who they are, forget it. No web cam, go to a cafe. There is no reason why they can not.

I’m starting to rant, so I’ll blog about this later.


Scott September 9, 2009 at 12:41

Just start a cult already the leaders usually get tons of women and dont have to put up with any of the bullshit


Cheryl September 9, 2009 at 16:09

I have had several internet relationships (that progressed to face to face full on relationships) and I didn’t meet a single one of them on a dating site. I met one in an AOL chatroom – though this was back in the day. I met my husband on ICQ (which is practically defunct now, I think).

Find forums for stuff you like and start hitting on chicks there… you have something in common already! Or, once again, attend some Mensa functions and see who you run into. You never know!


The Naked Redhead September 9, 2009 at 18:39

“It sounds to me like you are trying really REALLY hard with your messages. I also think that hot chicks know they are hot and don’t need people telling them that.”

I’d agree with Brian up until he says “try being an a-hole”…because that, well, only works sometimes, and then you end up hating the guy because it turns out he’s not even being a little funny, he’s totally a jerk to anyone and everyone in his whole life.

But I digress…

When you write the First Message keep it simple, and keep it more about you, less about her. I really think that’s kind of the only tweak you need. Some of those messages were really charming and funny! Like, “re: A Date” was perfect up through “I actually use ‘awesomeness’ quite often in speech and writing.” Really funny, cute, shows a little about you, but not too much. Then just sign off. That’s it…”Ted”…done. She’ll write back, I promise.

Though we ladiez like being pursued, we also like to feel like we’re on the hunt, too (that sounds WAY cheesy…I apologize). So piquing our curiousity is a good thing. Don’t settle, don’t give up…just a little less with the First Message.

Also, I loved your transparency with this…mind if I link to you in my next post? :)


Tomers September 10, 2009 at 09:51

I love that Being Samiantha says that “spelling/grammer” are important to her.


Being Samiantha September 10, 2009 at 11:46

Thanks Tomer.
I also said that a few human errors were okay.


TweeBubblyKlutz September 11, 2009 at 08:42

I have no advice whatsoever. I’m done with Internet dating myself, but only because I’m sick of getting my hopes up about someone only to have them completely dashed upon meeting them. Good for you for having standards. And I see nothing wrong with your various approaches. Actually, the only nit-picking I can come up with is that I crushed a little on your profile, and what do you know, I live across the friggin’ Atlantic. Bummer!


Melissa September 11, 2009 at 13:29

Hey Ted,

I’m in the trenches of internet dating as well. It’s not the greatest, but for my current situation, it’s the best. In terms of messages that I don’t respond to – pretty much anything with the mention of “hot” – it may seem like a compliment, but save that until after a face to face meeting. As for big words like ‘loquacious’ – I wouldn’t pull those out, either. Like some of the commenters have already said, a first message should be simple and quick. “Hey, I read your profile and would love to chat sometime. I think we’d hit it off!”

Hope that helps!

PS: What should girls put in their profiles to pique your interest?


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