My sister Katie (who always remembers to bring the awesomeness) suggested today that I post some more stuff about internet dating. I think she’s probably looking for a funny-ish rant along the lines of “Yet Another Reason Why eHarmony Sucks“, but I don’t know if I have something like that in me tonight.
At this point, I’m mostly just fed up. I’m still on a handful of internet dating sites, but it’s been a while since I’ve scanned through profiles and tapped out a few emails. Not much seems to work – from serious to flippant, my emails have run the gamut. If you push your eyes to the right and down a bit, you can click on “Internet Dating” in the tag cloud and read some of my posts thereon. Or you can click that last link, lazybones.
Once upon a time, my Internet Explorer home page tabs were all internet dating sites. I’d get home, flip through them, scour the profiles for relatively attractive chicks whom I hadn’t yet emailed, and try to come up with something clever and engaging.
I’ve given some serious consideration to changing my profiles around coming up with some creative lies to get my foot in the door, but I’m really not into being disingenuous. It’s just not my style.
I used to think that persistence was my style, but like I said, I’m pretty fed up. I’ve totally had enough of eHarmony. I’m pretty sure my account expires in October, but I’ll probably cancel it before then – so yeah, sometime in the next couple of weeks. I’ve been on that friggin site for just about a year now and haven’t had a single date.
Let’s see: my eHarmony stats: I’ve probably been contacted by 20 to 40 chicks who I wouldn’t date to save the race. I’m guessing I’ve requested communication with more than 40 women (at least a couple per month), probably 10-15 of whom closed the match immediately, maybe 5 took it all the way to “open communication” (actual emails), and the remainder just fell off somewhere during the never ending “guided communication”. No dates with any of the five open communicators. Overall, I’d say I received better than a thousand matches delivered by eHarmony – besides the aforementioned, the rest either closed the match out right away, I closed the match myself, or neither of us sought communication.
It has been suggested that I am too picky. To those (few) who have, in the past, made said suggestion, I say, with all all the earnestness and emphaticability I can muster:
Go ahead and settle, you spineless twit. “Any port in a storm” is a fine analogy, but neither are we sailing nor is it remotely stormy. AND, the ship weathers the storm in “any port” – it doesn’t run itself aground and spill out its sailors and tell them “sorry boys, ye’re fucked – best be givin’ up yer sailin’ and start a-farmin’.” No, dear reader, the ship turns back around and heads off into the sunset – first star to the right and straight on till morning, or some such shite.
In any case, here are a handful of emails I’ve sent (via okcupid.com) in the past couple of months for your reading pleasure. Feel free to critique them all you like in the comments section, all suggestions will be duly noted and filed.
Jun 16 – 11:09pm re: “Propose an Edit”
Hi Jayne, I’m Ted. Yay internet dating. I’m torn as to whether I should have used an exclamation point with that last statement. I’m not a big exclamation point kind of guy, though. Jeez, I hope this isn’t reading like that country western song.
Anyway, I obviously need to work on my intros. I dig that you’re a reader and a photographer and that you enjoy early bedtimes on some Friday nights.
Would you like to get together for coffee or _______ sometime? <—Insert hot or cold beverage of your choice. Milkshakes might be fun, too. I’d be down to take you out to eat too/instead, but I’m not sure if that’s against the internet dating rules or not. ;-)
So, yeah…let me know – please, of course.
Jun 16 – 11:13pm re: You are DAMN hot.
That’s it. Hi. I don’t know the chances of passing by your profile again, so what the heck.
Have a great day. Somebody thinks you’re smokin’ hot, and he’s not a machine sending you fake emails.
May your life be filled with pleasant surprises…
[she lives way out in western PA – I was more going for the good-vibes thing than a date]
Aug 18 – 12:39am re: Psi Phi
I don’t suppose I might get three or four points for that one?
Hiking and sci-fi novels: two of my favorite things. I’d say addictions, but I’m not sure that’ll necessarily qualify as starting out on the right foot. The left? I’m mostly right-brained, though…
I thought Cryptonomicon was pretty good, but mostly because it’s tough to find a 1500 page softcover these days. It’s been a while, but I think Snow Crash was better. I can’t say I’ve had any desire to read Stephenson’s other books. Have you?
Just this weekend, I got my ass reamed out for digging the Herbert/Anderson Dune prequels. My buddy said that they totally missed Frank Herbert’s overall point – that the Butlerian Jihad wasn’t a straight machine war, but rather kind of an evolution/paradigm shift in human consciousness. He told me that I need to go back and read the appendices to Dune itself. Next time I’m at B&N, I will.
Ok, as tempting as it is to continue pulling things from your profile that we have in common – blogging, reading, hiking, etc. – I’ll keep it short (for this verboser). How about a cup of coffee sometime? Or a series of email prequels leading up thereto, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing?
I’ve been all over the mountains in this area and have the well-worn maps and gaiters to prove it. I have more hiking and brain-related cards in my money clip than credit cards. But whatever, I’m more of a coffee-and-conversation-first-date kind of guy anyway. If you’re interested, that is.
Let me know.
Aug 18 – 12:55am re: Coffee?
Hi Kristin, I’m Ted. Would you like to get together for coffee & conversation sometime? Like you, I’m enjoying the ride and always looking for opportunities for personal development. I dig that – I’d like to know more about you.
Sep 7 – 11:57pm re: A Date
Hi, I’m Ted. I’m also usually pretty loquacious with my initial messages, but that, alas, hasn’t been wicked successful. So. Short and to the point. Like Hemingway. Or Prince. :
Pro: People use “thoughtful”, “warm”, AND “empathetic” to describe me.
Con: I actually use “awesomeness” quite often in speech and writing. 99% of the time, I’m referring to my sister.
Coffee sometime? I’ll buy.
PS: You’re hot and intimidating.
Sep 8 – 11:24pm [yeah, like half an hour ago] re: replies very selectively
Ok, so yeah, I think you’re pretty hot and that’s why I’m messaging you. I know, I KNOW that makes me shallow and that no matter what I say after that, you won’t be able to shake that first impression. But what the heck, you’ve got great abs.
So…what’s your name? I’m Ted.
Do you really get ten messages a day asking if your profile is fake? Ugh. I’ve sent one or two of those – not to you – but to profiles that I’m absolutely certain were fakies (and on other sites). I suppose I’ll stop that now. Getting a message like that must be pretty crappy. Not good vibes. Probably bad karma, too. Assuming the ones I sent were to truly fake profiles, do you think that’ll somehow come back to karmically bite me? Oof. Not a pleasant thought.
Aside from the aforementioned shallow motivations, I dig the straightforwardness of your profile. It’s good to hear that you’re passionate about life. I’d like to hear more about you. How about coffee and conversation sometime? I promise I won’t do the whole too-cute-pocket thing (that sounds pretty dumb anyway).