Yet Another Reason Why eHarmony Sucks

Dear eHarmony,

Blow me, you fat ugly bag of worthless money-sucking and time wasting boring profiles.

Your website sucks.  And I’m not just talking about the bullshit “people” you “match” me with after I’ve logged in.  I’m talking about the rest of the site.  You know – the only parts that I can see right now BECAUSE I CAN’T LOG IN.  What have you done with my password?  I know I entered the wrong password enough times for you to dump me into the “password reminder” screen, BUT WHY HAVEN’T YOU SENT ME A NEW PASSWORD??

It’s been like five days since my first password reset request.  I’ve sent you three so far.  Yes, I understand that the machine won’t automatically turn around a password reset request LIKE EVERY OTHER WEBSITE ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB, because I read your dumbass notification thereof after I submitted my password reset request THREE TIMES IN THE LAST FIVE DAYS.

I completely understand that you, as a website, are technologically handicapped, but at this point you’re starting to give Canadians a bad name.  I am now considering undertaking very violent and vicious (slow) homicide of every one of your kinsmen (except my favorite surfer girl, Samiantha). What I do NOT understand is why, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, every link on your website that in any way relates to the concept of “Contact” simply RETURNS ME TO THE FUCKING FAQ PAGE.  While I can certainly imagine many, many questions that might be frequently asked, none of these appear on this page.  Nor does the question WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? appear.

I further understand from reading the above-mentioned notification that I shouldn’t expect a password reset email immediately, WHICH IS COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS, but I’m relatively patient for one of my kind.  In my experience with automated website services “not immediately” generally means a maximum of twenty-four hours BECAUSE IT’S A FUCKING AUTOMATED SYSTEM.  There is something very, very wrong with your machine.

Five days without access to your much-too-expensive service is an eternity, especially given the fact that your “innovative” (read: asinine) system of “Guided Communication” takes an eternity in and of itself before I can actually CONVERSE WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.  For the first time in the ten months I’ve been a member of your “site”, I am actually moving forward through your “guided communication” (read:  exceptionally stupid) “system” at an acceptable pace with not one, not two, but THREE DIFFERENT WOMEN in whom I have found a mild interest.  To throw a monkey-wrench into the process at this point is, I’m sure, enough to strangle any chance I may have had with at least three of these women.  In other words, ALL OF THEM YOU PRICK.

I’ve responded to the email address that has sent me my “Icebreaker Notification” notification emails, but have received no response therefrom.  I mention these “Icebreaker Notification” emails WHICH I CONTINUE TO RECEIVE because THE ONLY EMAIL OF YOURS I WANT TO READ IS THE ONE WITH MY FUCKING NEW PASSWORD.  I can only assume that you, as a website, are cruelly sadistic as well as infinitely stupid and incompetent.

I would appreciate it if you would SEND ME A NEW FUCKING PASSWORD at your earliest convenience.  Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions or require further information.

In the meantime, I will await your reply as I continue my preparations to burn your fucking house down, raze your crops, sterilize your land, wipe your seed from the face of the earth (read:  eat your children alive), and hunt down and murder anyone you’ve ever met or who has heard your name.  Being that your service is so profoundly useless, I remain single with plenty of time on my hands and no real mission in life, save the aforementioned.

Yours very truly,

Ted Wallace
Age 32

PS:  I wouldn’t go to sleep tonight, were I you.

Tagged as: die eHarmony die, eHarmony, fuck eHarmony, I'm a fuckin' ninja, slow death by torture for eHarmony