Yet Another Reason Why eHarmony Sucks

August 6, 2009 · 11 comments

Dear eHarmony,

Blow me, you fat ugly bag of worthless money-sucking and time wasting boring profiles.

Your website sucks.  And I’m not just talking about the bullshit “people” you “match” me with after I’ve logged in.  I’m talking about the rest of the site.  You know – the only parts that I can see right now BECAUSE I CAN’T LOG IN.  What have you done with my password?  I know I entered the wrong password enough times for you to dump me into the “password reminder” screen, BUT WHY HAVEN’T YOU SENT ME A NEW PASSWORD??

It’s been like five days since my first password reset request.  I’ve sent you three so far.  Yes, I understand that the machine won’t automatically turn around a password reset request LIKE EVERY OTHER WEBSITE ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB, because I read your dumbass notification thereof after I submitted my password reset request THREE TIMES IN THE LAST FIVE DAYS.

I completely understand that you, as a website, are technologically handicapped, but at this point you’re starting to give Canadians a bad name.  I am now considering undertaking very violent and vicious (slow) homicide of every one of your kinsmen (except my favorite surfer girl, Samiantha). What I do NOT understand is why, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, every link on your website that in any way relates to the concept of “Contact” simply RETURNS ME TO THE FUCKING FAQ PAGE.  While I can certainly imagine many, many questions that might be frequently asked, none of these appear on this page.  Nor does the question WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? appear.

I further understand from reading the above-mentioned notification that I shouldn’t expect a password reset email immediately, WHICH IS COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS, but I’m relatively patient for one of my kind.  In my experience with automated website services “not immediately” generally means a maximum of twenty-four hours BECAUSE IT’S A FUCKING AUTOMATED SYSTEM.  There is something very, very wrong with your machine.

Five days without access to your much-too-expensive service is an eternity, especially given the fact that your “innovative” (read: asinine) system of “Guided Communication” takes an eternity in and of itself before I can actually CONVERSE WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.  For the first time in the ten months I’ve been a member of your “site”, I am actually moving forward through your “guided communication” (read:  exceptionally stupid) “system” at an acceptable pace with not one, not two, but THREE DIFFERENT WOMEN in whom I have found a mild interest.  To throw a monkey-wrench into the process at this point is, I’m sure, enough to strangle any chance I may have had with at least three of these women.  In other words, ALL OF THEM YOU PRICK.

I’ve responded to the email address that has sent me my “Icebreaker Notification” notification emails, but have received no response therefrom.  I mention these “Icebreaker Notification” emails WHICH I CONTINUE TO RECEIVE because THE ONLY EMAIL OF YOURS I WANT TO READ IS THE ONE WITH MY FUCKING NEW PASSWORD.  I can only assume that you, as a website, are cruelly sadistic as well as infinitely stupid and incompetent.

I would appreciate it if you would SEND ME A NEW FUCKING PASSWORD at your earliest convenience.  Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions or require further information.

In the meantime, I will await your reply as I continue my preparations to burn your fucking house down, raze your crops, sterilize your land, wipe your seed from the face of the earth (read:  eat your children alive), and hunt down and murder anyone you’ve ever met or who has heard your name.  Being that your service is so profoundly useless, I remain single with plenty of time on my hands and no real mission in life, save the aforementioned.

Yours very truly,

Ted Wallace
Age 32

PS:  I wouldn’t go to sleep tonight, were I you.

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Scott August 7, 2009 at 10:01

LMFAO I have read this three times already and it gets funnier every time.


Being Samiantha August 7, 2009 at 11:44

Thank you for sparing me.


CiCi August 28, 2009 at 02:28

Bravo, bravo, bravo! I am LMFAO. And I do need to laugh because as a fool who joined eHarmony, I couldn’t agree more. The site SUCKS. One hardly gets matches and if they do; the matches they get belong in a dog pound. Gross. And as far as open communication goes; I am in open communication with someone who stated that he really wants a long term relationship. Yeah ok. I met him. Had a great dinner. Haven’t heard from him since. Paying for one shit head after another makes me realize that I’m the real shit head. Bravo for this blog. Let’s file a class action suit. Get eHarmony out of business.


CiCi August 28, 2009 at 11:54

It’s me again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have decided to start my day off, everyday from now on, reading Ted’s blog (re: eHarmony). It gets me laughing so hard; I can’t work. Ted, you are the best! I too wrote them a nasty letter about THEIR HOAX AND I QUOTE: “EVERYDAY OVER HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE FIND THEIR SOULMATES AND GET MARRIED”. What eHarmony means is the following; ONE ENDS UP PASSING AWAY AND FINDS THEIR OWN SOULS AND MATES ON THE OTHER SIDE BONDED IN ETERNAL MARRIAGE OF NEVER COMING BACK. (Due to no matches in life).


Jeff December 1, 2009 at 10:53

Fuck eharmony.. it’s all a scam. Money thieves.


glenn February 14, 2010 at 18:48

e harmony is bull


Ainos April 9, 2010 at 04:59

I hate them soooooooooooo much. They are liars and thieves. I changed my subscription not to renew and someone charged me anyway. THEY ARE CROOKS.


Karen January 25, 2011 at 10:17

Eharmony matched me up with a GA psycho dude that had sexual predator written all over him. Lets have double penetration sex he tells me. Dont mind that he informs me he has a loaded 12 g shot gun under his bed, had dates lined up between me and other women one after the other and boasts DUIs. Dude is a fucking psycho and here is a BIG FUCK YOU to ehramony for allowing this scumbag on the site.

Dude was weeping when talking about mundane shit in a convo with me. WEEPING? Who does that?

He screamed at me on the phone in less than a wk of knowing him yelling FUCK YOU FUCK YOU and hanging up because I said I did not appreciate him yelling at me because I was supposed to know through metaphysical resources that I was to call him 5 hours earlier. Actually he told me NOT to converse with him on facebook after he egged me into adding him….and to call him instead. I got screamed and cursed at from this nut job – then sends me a text saying we have potential if I would LISTEN to him

How about NO freak


Mark February 6, 2011 at 10:54

Ah hey Karen, you still single?


Candice July 19, 2016 at 02:34

7 years later, this has still not been fixed!! I’ve been waiting 3 days.


Julie October 6, 2016 at 00:13

This thread began in 09? It’s 2016 now and I have the same complaint as the one that my search turned up. “Why won’t Eharmony send me a password reset?”. That was my query. I have never used a service like this and I am now much more likely to never actually pay for one either. Wow. 7 years, same problem. Hmmmm.


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