Hm. I haven’t been procrastinating this blog post, but it’s been happening. I’m having kind of a low self-esteem moment – which sucks, because I really don’t feel much like whining about it. Especially because I know it’s a rather baseless feeling and that I’ll be fine in the morning.
I suppose it’s partly a type of energy-reverberation I’m feeling. Like the ripples hitting the stones of the bank of a placid pool after a pebble has been tossed in.
I spoke to no less than three different people today who were freaking out about this, that, or the other. I felt very clear and calm when I spoke with them, but it’s like their icky “less-than” feelings have rubbed off onto me. My thoughts keep turning to my own less-than feelings, seemingly of their own accord.
And I can’t figure out why. Things are pretty good with me. I was able to completely identify with the people with whom I spoke today – feelings of too many things to do and not enough time, things out of control, sadness and hurt. I was able to put myself in their place and think of analogous parts of my own life where I feel like I’m not in control – but not be frustrated by those pieces of my own life.
Sure, there are plenty of things in my life right now that might cause me some angst. But they’re not things I can control, and I’m ok with that. I’ve been doing the best I know how for quite a while now, and if I’ve made mistakes or fallen short, well, that’s ok – I’m not (and haven’t been) beating myself up about such things.
Overall, things are going about as well for me as I can expect. Yeah, I want to make more money, but my bills are paid and I’m satisfied with that. Heck, half of yesterday’s post was about things I’m planning on buying. My coffers are sure as hell not overflowing, but I’m not eating strictly off the dollar menu either.
My house is relatively clean; my appointments and commitments have been (and are being) met. I got more work done today than I have in a long time – and I even got the tech guys to fix the web filter so that I can get back onto Twitter and Facebook at work (I have work cyber-egos for both). My car just got fixed and I’m planning this weekend’s hike.
So what the frig is wrong with me? I pretty much give up. I can’t control these feelings any more than I can control anything else, so wtf: I’m going to bed. Maybe I’ll pray for a clarification dream before my head hits the pillow.
Peace out, dear reader.