The Quixotic Jedi

So I’ve been thinking about my current (semi-reviled) bachelorhood.  A couple of months ago my friend Jody (from Twitter) suggested that maybe the reason I’m still single is because the goddess was keeping me to herself.  I took comfort in that thought for a bit. 

Right now I’m wondering if maybe the goddess hasn’t put anyone in my path because I’m not ready for a relationship.  This is a particularly hard thought for me to have, as I’ve been doing quite a bit of work on myself.  Lots of self-evaluation and -appraisal.  I don’t know that this is necessarily an Occam’s Razor kind of situation, but it is an easy answer.

The more I think about my obsessive behavior during my marriage, and the more I think about when I’ll next be in a relationsip (and with whom), the more I wonder if I’ve changed.  Will I still obsess over the next girl? 

Besides the “My Story Mondays” divorce posts this past June, I’ve spent plenty of time looking at myself and how I was in my marriage.  I was definitely not a “whole” person in that relationship.  As I said, everything in my life revolved around her.  I’ve had a couple of (relatively short) relationships since then, and I suppose I did and didn’t obsess.  I’ve only been on the “dumper” side of things when those relationships ended, and my reasons generally revolved around the fact that I didn’t want to take the relationship any further.  I was also not happy with the status quo – which I think is something that has not and will not change about me.  If the relationship isn’t progressing, I have no interest in staying in it.  I don’t want to waste my time or hers with something that’s not going anywhere.

But this all begs the question:  progressing toward what?  Where do I want the relationship to go?  Well marriage and kids (duh) is kind of an obvious direction for me.  But I can’t have those without love. 

And the ‘L’ word begs other questions:  what exactly do I mean by that, and how is that different from obsession?

Tough questions, to which I don’t know if I have the answers.  Is there such a thing as a healthy obsession?  Is love nothing more than just that?  Hmm.  See what I mean?  Maybe I need to be able to answer these questions before I’m ready for a relationship.

But what the fuck – how am I supposed to figure out the answers to relationship questions when I’m all kinds of single like this?  I’ve said it before:  I don’t learn but by making mistakes.  At this point, I’m also wondering if the next one will be The One simply because I’ll remember how much being single sucked.

Nah.  I don’t think so.  I think I’ve got my head screwed on pretty straight.  If my next relationship isn’t what I’m looking for, I’m pretty sure I’ll recognize that and bounce.  I think my aversion to stagnation will overcome any remembered frustration about my bachelorhood.  Besides, even though it’s frustrating quite often, being single isn’t really all that bad.  I’ve been able to do a lot of good for other people that I might not have had the opportunity to do, had I been in a relationship.  I wouldn’t necessarily have had the time.

Life is good.  I’m a pretty happy camper.  I’d just like to have someone smokin’ hot and wicked sma’t with whom to share all the cool shiz that my life is.