Not Ready for a Relationship?

July 14, 2009 · 3 comments

So I’ve been thinking about my current (semi-reviled) bachelorhood.  A couple of months ago my friend Jody (from Twitter) suggested that maybe the reason I’m still single is because the goddess was keeping me to herself.  I took comfort in that thought for a bit. 

Right now I’m wondering if maybe the goddess hasn’t put anyone in my path because I’m not ready for a relationship.  This is a particularly hard thought for me to have, as I’ve been doing quite a bit of work on myself.  Lots of self-evaluation and -appraisal.  I don’t know that this is necessarily an Occam’s Razor kind of situation, but it is an easy answer.

The more I think about my obsessive behavior during my marriage, and the more I think about when I’ll next be in a relationsip (and with whom), the more I wonder if I’ve changed.  Will I still obsess over the next girl? 

Besides the “My Story Mondays” divorce posts this past June, I’ve spent plenty of time looking at myself and how I was in my marriage.  I was definitely not a “whole” person in that relationship.  As I said, everything in my life revolved around her.  I’ve had a couple of (relatively short) relationships since then, and I suppose I did and didn’t obsess.  I’ve only been on the “dumper” side of things when those relationships ended, and my reasons generally revolved around the fact that I didn’t want to take the relationship any further.  I was also not happy with the status quo – which I think is something that has not and will not change about me.  If the relationship isn’t progressing, I have no interest in staying in it.  I don’t want to waste my time or hers with something that’s not going anywhere.

But this all begs the question:  progressing toward what?  Where do I want the relationship to go?  Well marriage and kids (duh) is kind of an obvious direction for me.  But I can’t have those without love. 

And the ‘L’ word begs other questions:  what exactly do I mean by that, and how is that different from obsession?

Tough questions, to which I don’t know if I have the answers.  Is there such a thing as a healthy obsession?  Is love nothing more than just that?  Hmm.  See what I mean?  Maybe I need to be able to answer these questions before I’m ready for a relationship.

But what the fuck – how am I supposed to figure out the answers to relationship questions when I’m all kinds of single like this?  I’ve said it before:  I don’t learn but by making mistakes.  At this point, I’m also wondering if the next one will be The One simply because I’ll remember how much being single sucked.

Nah.  I don’t think so.  I think I’ve got my head screwed on pretty straight.  If my next relationship isn’t what I’m looking for, I’m pretty sure I’ll recognize that and bounce.  I think my aversion to stagnation will overcome any remembered frustration about my bachelorhood.  Besides, even though it’s frustrating quite often, being single isn’t really all that bad.  I’ve been able to do a lot of good for other people that I might not have had the opportunity to do, had I been in a relationship.  I wouldn’t necessarily have had the time.

Life is good.  I’m a pretty happy camper.  I’d just like to have someone smokin’ hot and wicked sma’t with whom to share all the cool shiz that my life is.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Cheryl July 14, 2009 at 04:20

Coming from the position of a Smug Married (bad movie reference) I can only offer the same lame advice: it will happen when you least expect it. Also? It will come from the most unlikely place.

I know whereof I speak. My husband is not anything like who I thought I would be married to, and we met in a pretty random way. Today’s our 3rd wedding anniversary (5th year together) so I can’t say as I’m complaining. :)

I think you should do more Mensa activities. Just MO.


BRIAN July 14, 2009 at 09:39

Instead of trying to analyze your next relationship to figure out if she is the “one” and if you’re going to marry her or break up if you think it’s all just a waste of time maybe you should just try and have some fun. If you’re dating a girl that must mean you like her a little bit. How can you see the future to know you’re not gonna marry her after dating for a little bit? Forget about marriage and kids until you’ve been with an individual for at least 2 years.


Being Samiantha July 14, 2009 at 11:04

My friends tell me all the time. “stop thinking so black and white, have fun with it” ugh. easy for them to say.

I’m of the attitude, all or nothing, and then I find myself single. I do not particularly like to date casually to pass the time anymore, but isn’t that how we get to that exclusive place we all want? I have to remind myself of that often.

I have no advice for you. Just do whatever feels right for you at the time. That’s it. That’s all I have to offer.


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