The Quixotic Jedi

I gotta tell you, dear reader, this is a hard post to start.  I really hate whining.  I probably dislike it more when I do it than when others do it.  I find it to be a verbal expostulation of one’s self-pity.  And that’s annoying.  I’m pretty much a “get over it” kind of guy.  Seriously.  That’s my advice to anyone whining, including myself.

That said, I think a little hypocrisy is in order here at The Quixotic Jedi.  It’s been a while since I’ve employed that particular literary tool.

I’m lonely.  There I said it.  Not all the time, but it hits me every once in a while.  Lately it’s been hitting me a little more often.  Like a chinese water torture.  I’m not drowning in it or anything, but there are constant little reminders that never quite dry off, plopping on my forehead. 

I’m kind of a hermit by choice.  I like living alone.  I like doing things by myself.  I do a lot of cool shiz by myself.  Sometimes I think “man, it would be cool to share this with someone else”.  I’ve seen and done a lot of really interesting things by myself.  I really should invest in a (waterproof ) digital camera.  Yes, dear reader, there’s double entendre in that last statement.

I’ve talked before about how “there is no candle” – that I’m kind of driven to suck the marrow out of life.  I dig doing this.  Life is easy when it’s wicked busy.  Thing is, no matter how busy I get, there must necessarily be some down time.  Usually, it’s the couple of hours that I have between getting home and going to bed that the loneliness hits me.  Especially in the past few weeks, when those couple of hours are the wee ones, when no one’s awake and I’d just worked through the ones that people normally spend socializing.  When it’s too late to call, and I’m too tired to sit down and compose a coherent email – not that I’d say anything besides “I’m alone and feeling it”.

There’s a dude I went to high school with that I’m friends with on facebook – I don’t think he updates all that often, but the ones I’ve seen usually mention that he doesn’t have a girlfriend.  My heart goes out to him.  He’s a good guy and not horribly bad looking – there should be a girl out there somewhere for him.  I can totally identify.  I don’t contact him, though, because I have no desire to hang out with another dude who’s kind of perplexed by his aloneness.

All pre-judgment aside, most of the dudes that I know who are single aren’t doing a damned thing about it.  I’m on four friggin internet dating sites and am constantly on the lookout for the next ex-Mrs. Wallace.  Don’t get snide with me here about my attitude, dear reader, I’m just being cheeky about it.  Fact is, I sometimes worry that I’m just going to marry the next girl who agrees to date me because I’m so damned tired of being alone.

My last LTR lasted for about 7 months or so, and I really can’t look back and say that I was all that happy in it.  Which is why I ended it.

The frustrating thing right now is that there isn’t even anyone I’m all that interested in.  I can’t think of a single (single) girl that I know where I’m like “damn, she’s cool”.  And, tenth commandment aside, I’m really not one for coveting anybody else’s girl, as tempting as that can sometimes be.

I think part of my problem is that I’m “constantly on the lookout for the next ex-Mrs. Wallace”.  There isn’t a girl that walks by that I don’t wonder “is she the one?”  There isn’t a room, place, or situation that I walk into that I don’t wonder “will I meet her here?”  It’s like the kid counting down the days to Christmas – it always seems so far away.  Except that there’s no day of the year wherein I’m going to meet her. 

Sometimes I convince myself that I’m going to be a swingin’ bachelor for the rest of my life.  I’m not a big fan of that, but I can get with it – for a little while at least – before I realize that that kind of sucks.  As I’ve said before, my life is pretty darned great.  Overall, I’m wicked happy.  It’s just that being single can be so frustrating at times.  As much of a hermit as I am, on the inside I’m built for having another person in my life.  Yeah, I talked about “an object of my obsession” in some of my divorce pieces, but that’s not all it is.  A big part of me is an altruist, but trying to do right by the whole world can be daunting at times.  I’d much rather be responsible for doing right by my wife and kids.  But maybe that’s not my path. 

I’m not looking for marriage and kids right this minute, but I’d sure as hell like to be moving in that direction.  Checking out my options and whatnot.  I don’t really believe in being in a relationship for the purposes of convenience.  If I’m dating someone and I start thinking it’s not going to work out in the long-term, I’m out.  I’d rather not waste my time or hers.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m very much a one-date-at-a-time kind of guy.  I don’t need the whole kit and kaboodle right away.  I’m just looking for someone with whom I can hang out – and look forward to the next time I see her when we’re not together.

I’ve become increasingly disenchanted with internet dating.  It just doesn’t feel like it’s worth the effort anymore.  My stats are low – probably one date for every 20 or so emails, if that.  I’m not the kind of guy that chicks fall for immediately anyway.  But pretty much every girl that’s ever gotten to know me has had a crush on me at some point or another.  Ach.  I’m not going to get into that whole ‘acquired taste’ thing now.  I don’t even know that that’s a good description, anyway.

So enough out of me.  Thanks for bearing with me as I vent this evening.  I suppose that was cathartic. I think I’m going to look at some internet pornography now.