Internet Dating: Art or Science?

May 15, 2009 · 5 comments

Thanks everybody for the comments to yesterday’s post.  I’m always happy to receive (and mostly discard) internet dating advice.  I don’t know that I’ve mentioned it recently, but I’ve been doing the internet dating thing for about three and a half years now.  Whether I’ve got the whole thing down-pat is certainly up for debate.  All I know is that, in computer terms, my internet dating profile is WYSIWYG.  I’m honest.  My profile is as true a description of me as I can make it, and I don’t eff around with my emails in an attempt to seem like someone or something I’m not.

Brian, your comments are getting more articulate and grammatically correct by the day.  I daresay they’re even starting to make sense.  You’re going to be the poster-boy for my oft-tweeted adn fb-status-ed marketing concept “Read my blog, it’ll make you smarter.  Guaranteed.”

Tomers, I can’t figure out whether your comment was entirely sarcastic or not.  Which is actually pretty cool, because I think it reads well in both tones.  Possible sarcasm aside, we’re on the same page:  I have absolutely no intention of trying to transmit an impression of me that’s in any way inaccurate.  It kind of sucks that I’m an acquired taste (no pun), insofar as I’m loquacious and sometimes come off a little creepy.  My apparent creepiness is a cultivated defense against to the modern-day philistines of the world. 

I will, however, probably leave the bone structure compliments out of my next email.  I’ll go along with the consensus on that one.

TNR, without sounding defensive or aggressive (’cause I’m neither), I kind of know the ropes.  I know I should keep it short and sweet; but I’ve also gotten dates out of longer emails like the one I posted.  While I don’t have a formula for my emails, there’s certainly a lot that goes into each email and dictates everything from length to content.  I was pretty confident that the girl I emailed wouldn’t be too freaked out by the length or content of that particular email – she did, in fact, take another look at my profile after reading the email (I don’t get a profile view notification if she only reads the email).

As to whether she reads yesterday’s post or not, I really don’t care – if she was going to respond to my email, she would have done so already.  I know this because of my 3.5 years experience of sending emails – some of which received responses, and some of which didn’t.  I also know this because she read the email and checked out my profile a day or so after I contacted her.  In contrast, sometimes girls don’t check their personals accounts all that regularly, so it’ll be a week or so before I know that she’s not interested. 

I hope this doesn’t sound all defensive or anything.  I’m definitely trying too hard.  Fact.  I don’t know what else to do, though.  I could give you several thousand words on that topic, dear reader, ranging in emotion from self-pity to uber-confidence.  Everybody tells me “just let it happen”, and I’m trying to take their advice.  But I’m also a “make my own luck” kind of guy.  I don’t think “just let it happen” means get up, go to work, leave work, get home, make dinner, blog, go to sleep and hike/kayak/sleep in/read on the weekends, while expecting Ms. Right to find me.  While to a certain extent, I’m everywhere, I’m also kind of hard to find and unless Ms. Right up and slaps me and says “take me out to dinner”, I’m sort of oblivious when it comes to girls.  So I guess I’m doing kind of an active passivity thing.

Another aspect of this notion is that – let’s switch to metaphor mode now:  if I’m a dog bird w/ a certain color feathers, looking for a kitten bird who digs the color of my feathers, what I need to do is puff up my plumage so that all the kitten birds can see the color of my feathers.  I can’t hide my colors and only show them to selected kitten birds, who may or may not be hiding similar colors.  Nor can I necessarily do the exact same mating dance as a different species of bird – if I do, I’ll end up with a kitten bird that’s not my kind.  

Twice this week, I’ve run across a concept that’s been really good for me on a few levels (and specifically relates to what I’m talking about here).  The first was a paraphrase of something Robert Frost is purported to have said, and the second was in one of yesterday morning’s meditations.  The concept goes something like this “(I) don’t feel bad that some people don’t understand what I’m saying.  If they don’t, it’s probably not for them anyway.  They weren’t meant to hear it.  There are, however, those who do/will understand.”

That was not, by the way, directed at you, dear reader.  I know you’re pretty good at picking up what I’m putting down.  But most people aren’t.  And, quite frankly, I don’t really want to deal with people to whom I feel a need to explain myself.  Effem if they can’t take a joke.  I’d rather be around people who get my jokes, and I get theirs.  Being top 2% is only part of what distinguishes me (in a completely objective sense, no value or ego-boost whatsoever ascribed – I mean it in the literal “set apart” sense) – there are plenty of other reasons why I don’t qualify as mainstream society.  I’m not trying to be different, I just am.  And I’m ok with that.  I’m looking for someone who is a little different herself and can appreciate and celebrate our similarities and differences – between each other and among society as a whole.

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Cheryl May 15, 2009 at 07:19

This sounds vaguely familiar. Must be that Mercury retrograde nonsense.


BRIAN May 15, 2009 at 09:15

Thanks for the compliment Theodore…Normally I try to make a comment on your blog that makes people think is this guy retarded? It’s pretty much my only link into the cyberworld and because I may never meet any of the cyber commenters in real life I feel more at ease with “putting down” whatever stupid shit pops into my head. I mean do you think I go around telling people in real life that I would like to travel back in time so I could JO Hitler? Fuck no!!! That might send the wrong message to people.

As far as your internet dating goes you say its been about 3.5 years now. Maybe you shold try speed dating or just asking women for their numbers in person. I think those dating sites are a bunch of hippity hooplah and a huge waste of time.


Katie May 15, 2009 at 09:34

Ted, I have to agree with Brian. I think you should totally try speed dating. It is a perfect forum for you’re witty personality. It is also a way to find a chick for you that is just as quick witted, being that you have about 5 min or whatever to decide if you want to go on a date or not!


DarthTraya May 15, 2009 at 16:34

The problem with internet dating is that it can closely resemble real life.

There are far too many people pretending to be something other than what they are. You get someone who is marketing themselves as a brand. And when you actually meet them, they do not closely resemble the brand they were marketing to you in the first place.

While I will be the first person to admit, I do not know alot about dating to begin with. I got married right out of college and remarried very soon after the ink dried on my divorce. I have friends of both sexes bemoan the same things about dating. And many times it is the lament that you stated very clearly. It is very hard to find someone to be with, when so many are pretending to be something other than what they are. Not going into the psychoanalysis on that one.

I wish you luck in your travels, and I think you agree with me. Honesty has got to come back to the forefront of any human interaction with each other.


Being Samiantha May 26, 2009 at 12:47

ugh online dating. I am their queen.

I’ve been on an online dating site for about the same as you.
What saddens me, is now my ability to guess a suitors age and height by the small thumbnail pic before ever opening it up and even worse, I’m usually extremely accurate about my guesses.

Let it happen? pffh. riiiiiiiiiight.
Someone once told me people choose the love life they have… well short of ripping this person an new donkey butt, I snarked back, “right, I woke up and decided I wanted to be alone for the rest of my life? If this is true, I guess you woke up and decided you wanted to be ugly and an ass the rest of yours?”

Normally I wouldnt take that kind of dig, but he was really pushing it.

Stay away from speed dating, its never the caliper of people you think it will be and women, like men, lie about their age, profession etc. regardless of the venue you meet them in, a jerk is a jerk.


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