#internetdatingfail

May 14, 2009 · 7 comments

Ok, here’s some more internet dating fun for you, dear reader.  Please feel free to poke fun at me as much as you wish in the comments section – I’m pretty sure I can take it.  My latest attempt is below: an email I sent via Yahoo! Personals this past Friday. 

By way of background information, I logged on to Y!P on Friday night and noticed that a nice young lady had viewed my profile.  Sometime in the past couple of weeks, I took myself out of stealth mode by changing my settings so that the women whose profiles I’ve viewed would receive a notification thereof.  I ran across her profile during my trolling of Y!P the night before.  She’s since viewed my profile once more, and I can only assume has decided not to respond.  It’s also entirely possible that she’s taking her time in getting back to me and that I’m shooting myself in the foot by posting the below, but what the heck, it makes for good content.  Names have been changed to protect the innocent and naive.

What follows is my email.  As I said, feel free to bust my chops about anything you like.  If you’re feeling generous, dear reader, please also feel free to pass along any sage internet (or regular) dating advice you might have.  I know it’s a bit long for a first impression, but wtf, I’m loquacious:

So I suppose it would be rather rude of me not to introduce myself at this point – kind of like tapping you on the shoulder and then just standing there, staring. 
 
Hi XYZ, I’m Ted.  And yes, I’m home at 11:14PM on a Friday night sending you an email on an internet dating site.  And yes, I’m pretty ok with that.  I’ve got plenty of writing left to do tonight, but that’ll wait; it always does.
 
How about a little bit about me, and then some questions about you – sound ok?  Good.  I’m glad we’re getting along so well this early on. 
 
I don’t know that I’m necessarily a knight in shining armor – more like a soldier in well-worn but comfortable, serviceable, and well-kept armor.  I can be pretty cavalier, which is knightly I suppose.  I’m gentlemanly and as at ease in the ballroom in full regalia and spit-shined boots as I am on the battlefield, with the dirt and blood of the vanquished staining my skin and my sword in need of a good sharpening.  I don’t carry a ceremonial sword into the ballroom, by the way.
 
Translation:  I’m good at what I do – for work and otherwise.  My life is full and interesting.  Every day is like a whole separate lifetime for me, and my lives have been good lately.  The letters are wearing off the keys of my computers at work and home, and I’m in the market for a new pair of  hiking boots, as I seem to have left little bits of the soles of my old ones all over the mountains of the Catskills this winter.
 
I came across your profile last night and clicked on your picture because I was attracted to your bone structure and the look in your eye.  I must admit that I just skimmed through your pics last night and only read your profile this evening after I saw that you’d viewed mine. 
 
I dig that you’re right-brained – that your chosen fields have been in the arts.  While a good portion of my work-day is spent analyzing spreadsheets, the reason work keeps me around is because of my abilities in the qualitative areas of research and analysis.  I write regularly – my blog is called The Quixotic Jedi; you can check that out if you want to know more about me without actually emailing me back and asking questions.
 
And on to you…
 
What’s it like to write song lyrics?  Is it like writing poetry, but with the additional complexity of also creating a melody and layering it on top (or intertwining)?  I imagine it must be pretty cool to stand on stage and belt out one’s own poetry with a good beat in the background.  Do you ever ad lib your lyrics?  I’m a pretty big fan of live music – sure, I like live cds, but being there and feeling the vibe while the music is being made is like nothing else.
 
I don’t think that wanting a little bit of adventure while still feeling protected is all that crazy – I think a lot of people are looking for exactly that. 
 
And I think I can say that I have that right now – a good mix of adventure and security.  It’s pretty cool.  I dig it.
 
In any case, this is getting a bit long for an introduction, and I’d rather not come off the wrong way (I get self-conscious too, sometimes). 
 
I’d love an opportunity to take you out for coffee or dinner sometime and have an actual dialogue.  I much prefer real-life conversation to electronic.
 
I am available at your convenience.
 
-Ted

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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

jaq_james May 14, 2009 at 05:33

Hi ya,

That definitely was an enticing intro and it warrants a reply. I got lost in the middle there but the translation was a good one. It kinda gave a picture of who/what you are, I think. The nice lady should reply. Cheerios

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Cheryl May 14, 2009 at 06:53

Was going to comment here but will e-mail instead.

Reply

BRIAN May 14, 2009 at 09:01

So I’m assuming that she didn’t get back to you. Maybe she was afraid that you would wear your bloody war outfit on the date. I can picture you sitting in a Starbucks all bloodied with your dull sword at your side. I think your problem is that you can’t just say something, you have to write your heart out. For an introductory message maybe you should try and keep it under 250 characters. if you get a response from that then freak her out with 5 page article on yourself.

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Scott May 14, 2009 at 09:14

Leave out the bone structure its creepy comment her eyes or something.

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The Naked Redhead May 14, 2009 at 09:48

Not a bad effort, though I do think Brian is right…short and simple for the first contact, and definitely don’t mention dinner or meeting her in person just yet. Internet dating may be more commonplace now, but a girl still wants to be comfortable and to make sure she feels like she “knows” someone before meeting them. As someone who met her partner online (yes, yes, it’s true…it was on MySpace. So trashy! ;)) my general rule of thumb was to exchange at least three e-mails before meeting in person. That way, I felt like I had a good idea of who the person was, and could somewhat safely assume he was asking me out for more reasons than just liking my profile pic.

My two cents… :)

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Tomers May 14, 2009 at 21:36

Screw that Ted, write a book to introduce yourself. You’re loquatious: she’s going to learn this sooner or later, so make it sooner. Don’t change who you are BEFORE your first date!

I do agree that the “bone structure” comment does come off a little too “Silence of the Lambs”. But, dammit, she’s got to learn that you’re creepy too! ;D

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Emichele May 15, 2009 at 11:04

I think the email was great. It was witty, old school romantic, honest and funny. The only thing better than reading it on your blog would have been reading it in my inbox. I hope she gets back to you, she should be honored you spent so much time creating a platform for conversation.

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