Faith for Christmas

April 30, 2009 · 9 comments

Dear Santa,

After much deliberation, list-making and sundry other things I’d rather not discuss in public, I’ve completed my Christmas List for this year.  I’m sure your jolly round ass will be happy to learn that there’s only one item on it.


Yes, Santa baby, all I want for Christmas this year is faith.  It’s still April, so you’ve got plenty of time.  239 days, to be specific.  I’m not sure what the deal is with your elves – how many you’ve got, how many hours a day they work, cost basis per, etc., but that works out to roughly 5,736 hours for y’all to work with.

Specifically, I’d like that complete and utter devotional faith that the fanatics have, sans fanaticism, of course.  I’d like a faith that is not in any way based on rationalization.  E.g. “I’ll get xyz if I believe.”  A faith that works in all seasons, under all circumstances.

I’ll leave it up to you to work out the details – and don’t pull any of that lamp-genie stuff on me where I wake up Christmas morning with a faith that Metallica isn’t going to break up anytime soon.  Nor do I want my capacity for rationalization removed – if I wake up with a piece of my brain missing, I’ll know it and I’ll be pissed.  And you don’t want me pissed at you, Santa.  Ever read The Count of Monte Cristo?  Yeah, I’m patient like that.

I want a faith in a higher power, a spirit of the universe, a grand design, the tao, prana, chi – whatever, as long as it’s bigger than me and I don’t have to worry about whether I’m doing a good job of driving the bus or not.  I want to feel comfortable going about my business, living in the moment and doing the next right thing – with a knowledge, a faith, that what I’m doing serves a good purpose.

Between you and me, I’d prefer to pass on the anthropomorphic kind of higher power, but if that’s all you can come up with, I understand.  I’d really like something custom-made.  I’ve spent plenty of time in church and whatnot and that kind of faith just doesn’t seem to fit.

So I know it seems like I’m a bit demanding, but come on, man, I’m only asking for one thing this year.  While I’d like to say that I’ve written this in haste and that I’m not technically threatening you, my New Year’s Resolution for 2009 was to tell the truth at all times.

So pretty please?  With sugar on top?  Shoot me an email or message me on Facebook what kind of cookies you’d like this year.  I’ll be sure that mom puts out whole milk instead of that bluish skim crap that she has in the past couple of years.  And I’ll make sure the carrots for the reindeer are fresh and come with ranch dressing for dipping.

And listen, you effin reindeer, I know you’re reading this last section because I’m writing it in reindeerese and antaSay skipped over it because it’s not written in atFay eepleAy anguageLay:  I’m a carnivore and reindeer-burgers are leaner and more tender than buffalo burgers.  And I love buffalo burgers.  If antaSay doesn’t hook me up with some solid faith this year, I’ll be having reindeer burgers and winter hiking with reindeer jerkey for the first part of 2010, if you get my iftDray.

Thank you, Mr. Claus for considering my respecful and humble request.  As always, I remain,

Yours ever truly,

Ted Wallace
Age 32

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

scott April 30, 2009 at 06:22

I’m sure Santa is a fat vegan just like me might want to stop the burger and milk talk


BRIAN April 30, 2009 at 10:56

You must be really struggling to come up with topics for your blog ted. I wrote a letter to Santa once when I was a kid and never heard back from him. So christmas eve I put a big pile of dog shit in the chimney and when I woke up my christmas tree was covered in it. That fat fuck must have gotten pissed off and wiped that shit all over the tree. Maybe for inspiration you should listen to George Michaels gotta have faith song everyday at some point. You should probably blast that song while driving around in your car.


niceguyted April 30, 2009 at 18:01

Thanks guys. I thought about talking about how dumb some of my readers are, but you guys are doing great without my help. And I didn’t want to offend everybody else.


Scott April 30, 2009 at 11:43

Thats funny Ted loves George Michael he has a poster of him in ripped jeans in his closet


Scott April 30, 2009 at 19:43

Nice comeback I’m going to cry now


Katie May 1, 2009 at 09:17

“yeah, I’m patient like that” LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! And if Ted is going to listen to Faith it will be Limp Bizkit’s version, thank you very much!


BRIAN May 1, 2009 at 10:25

Sounds like Katie really has your back. Does she do your makeup for you before you go to george michaels shows?


Tomers May 3, 2009 at 18:08

What do you want faith for? What are you going to do with it? You’re not going to start preaching to all us faithless schlubs about how great faith is like all those religious douches, are you?

Dear Santa,

Please don’t bring Ted faith. I have a feeling it will have a detrimental effect on this blog… and on Ted in general.

Faithless Schlub


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