Internet Stalker Manual

March 11, 2009 · 10 comments

Ok.  So let’s get some safety stuff out of the way before we learn how to properly stalk someone on the internet.  Internet stalking is not for the uninitiated and should only be attempted by an amateur.  Professional stalkers are spooky and creepy and you should watch out for them.  They can also be dangerous (especially if they’re total strangers).  If you think you’re the victim of internet stalking by a complete stranger, here are some links to check out:  Cyberstalking FAQ, Info, and Cyber-911 Tiplines.

Now, all that aside, there’s also plenty on the web regarding how to stalk someone the right way.  Surprisingly (or not), most of the posts I found are by women.  Bonnie Burton’s suggestions are here at “Relationships 101: How to Stalk Without Being Creepy“; also check out former Boston College student Christina Bechold’s 2004 piece “How To:  Stalk Your Crush“, and Sarah Austin’s (nee Meyers) short 2007 piece “How To:  Stalk on the Internet“.  I haven’t tried CoComment myself, but (frankly) it makes me a bit nervous.

Teenager Marco also has some words of wisdom in his (also 2004) piece “How To Stalk Me” – “All I ask is that you do it properly. I have prepared some simple instructions and guidelines to ensure the best quality stalking experience for both of us.”

Wikipedia has an article here, though it’s not as comprehensive as one might expect.

The above links should get you started.  For myself, I prefer to avoid any possibility of detection – even though a particular route is more likely to garner more (useful) information.  For example, don’t “follow” someone on Twitter, just flip to their page every once in a while – it’s not as efficient, but just as effective while preserving one’s anonymity.

Problems occur here and there when two people stalk one another.  This can make for awkward and uncomfortable situations replete with BS excuses.  In such situations, I find honesty to be the best policy – people rarely admit to “stalking”, so the other party usually thinks I’m joking.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

aLLi March 11, 2009 at 08:35

I guess by writing this people really know that you put alot of time into stalking … haha


lily nicole March 11, 2009 at 09:15

This has been far and away my favorite post of yours since I checked in to the Maison Quixotic. (Well, this and the post that directly mentions my name in the title….ahhh. Ego knows no bounds.)

Not only does it leave the perfect tangy after-taste of whimsy, it shows excellent back-up resources. It does leave the reader (at least me, your favorite stalker) wondering, “What is the particular manual for stalking Ted on the Internet?” Or, as everyone else is wondering, “Who is it that Ted is stalking?”.

Myself, I don’t care to believe there’s an answer to question two (hee hee), but as a result of such mastery mixing the mediums of irony, whimsy and dementia, the crowned princess has decided to bequeath upon the Jedi a title and lands of his own in the artists’ colony/principality of Inish Belle. When you stop by, we’ll discuss the details, Lord Wallace.


aLLi March 11, 2009 at 12:51

I’d like to know the answer to question #2 .. because i know there is one.. =)


niceguyted March 12, 2009 at 20:18

lol – I like to keep the name(s) to myself…to protect the innocent, you see.


$@bs March 11, 2009 at 20:47

I’d like to hear more about where you draw the line between right, wrong and silk stalkings…


niceguyted March 12, 2009 at 20:16

I like drawing the lines with my tongue so they look like fishnet stockings.


Was I Stalked? March 11, 2009 at 22:05


Interesting post. Either I’m ridiculously easy (to find) or you’ve got great (!!) stalking capabilities.


Either way… new friend alert!


niceguyted March 12, 2009 at 20:15


Nice. “Thanks for the add”, as they/we say on Myspace.


emily March 13, 2009 at 23:02

do you not stalk me anymore? no comments from niceguyted in a while :( lol


niceguyted March 14, 2009 at 13:28

My bad, kitten. The regular one hasn’t been updated in a while, so I haven’t been checking the secret one in a while. Guess I’ve some catching up to do, huh?


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