The non-Art of Internet Dating

January 29, 2009 · 0 comments

Below are more failed internet dating pickup lines from October and November of 2008 (all on Yahoo! Personals).  I’m not quite sure if there’s anything cathartic about reading back through these.  Click here for December 2008 and early January 2009.  You’ll see that I was in a bit of a jaded/cynical phase around the beginning of October.

I did, by the way, get a few dates during these months – these are just the ones that didn’t work.  Strangely, the messages that I sent that resulted in a first date weren’t much different than these.

On 11/30/2008 11:13 pm EST, you wrote:

Hi Dasha, I’m Ted.  If I had to guess, I’d say you’re not real – that this is a fake profile. 
The thing is, if that’s my guess, why am I emailing?
If you’re real, I’d love to take you out for coffee or dinner sometime.  If not, well, at least my fingers just got a little exercise.  ;-)

On 11/20/2008 12:06 am EST, you wrote:

Hi Ara, I’m Ted.
Book:  The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas.  (doo-MAHS, not the other one)
If you’re still in that idealistic stage:  Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand – The Fountainhead is good too, but Atlas Shrugged is much better (read the last 15-20 pages, but you can skip the forty or so before that where Rand pretty much just rants).
I’m not:
1, 2 (not sure what that is exactly, but I’ve got an idea), 3 (barnyard or otherwise), 4, 5 (hadn’t hit puberty at 4 y.o.), or 6 (I don’t play with weights).
Coffee sometime?

[This last one was one of those mini-skirt intellectuals – lots of talk about being sma’t and looking for someone “intellectually stimulating” (me…also me…), yet with myriad grammar, punctuation, and spelling mistakes.  One would think I’d have a shot, huh?  Her profile was “temporarily unavailable, so I don’t know what the questions were that I was answering, but it looks like one of the “my match isn’t” lists – way to go with the negativity, sweetheart (2. was something about a dirty sanchez, 3. was something like “doesn’t have sex w/ barnyard animals”, and 6. was something about not having pictures of one’s muscles).]

On 11/03/2008 01:15 am EST, you wrote:

Hi Tracy, I’m Ted.  I’m certainly no astrologer, but it’s my understanding that Pisces is one of the few signs that’s supposed to a good match for Scorpio.  And I think you’re pretty.  Would you like to get together for coffee and/or dinner sometime?  I’d like to meet you.

On 10/13/2008 11:42 pm EDT, you wrote:

Hi Michelle, I’m Ted.  Coffee/dinner sometime?

On 10/07/2008 11:36 pm EDT, you wrote:

Are you real?

[profile was deleted as of the publication of this post]

On 10/06/2008 11:59 pm EDT, you wrote:

You’re a fake profile and that’s waaaay to bad, ’cause your pics are hot.  Are there no real women on this site??

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