Internet Dating Pickup Lines That Didn’t Work

January 13, 2009 · 4 comments

My only critic taller than 6′ (and, consequently, my biggest), Tom, said that he would like more internet dating stories.  Preferably funny ones.  Here’s a start.  I’m not sure if these are funny “ha-ha” or funny “awww” (or even funny anything), but what the heck, they’re a bit embarrassing for me, so they have to be a bit funny to someone.

Messages I’ve sent in the past month that didn’t work (by which I mean, didn’t get me a date):

On 01/09/2009 11:24 pm EST, you wrote:

Hi Jessi, I’m Ted.  I like your brass knuckles necklace.  Can I buy you dinner or coffee sometime?

On 01/05/2009 10:23 pm EST, you wrote:

Hi Danielle, I’m Ted.  I like live music, dogs, and laughing, too.  Can I buy you dinner or coffee sometime?  I think we’d have plenty to talk about.

On 12/31/2008 12:24 am EST, you wrote:

Ooh.  This really looks like a fake profile.  No offense if you’re real.  If you ARE real, would you like to get together for coffee sometime?


[Profile was deleted when I copied this – fake?]

On 12/21/2008 11:27 pm EST, you wrote:

What’s the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bricks?

[Ok, she specifically said “As far as qualities in a partner, I am looking for someone with an imagination, respect, ability to-go-with-the-flow, and can tell a good dead baby joke…”]

On 12/11/2008 10:32 pm EST, you wrote:

Hi Eunnie, I’m Ted.  I like coffee and laughter as well.  Would you like to get together sometime for both?

And finally, one with which I really thought I had a shot:

On 11/25/2008 12:29 am EST, you wrote:

Hi Ani, I’m Ted.  I like what you have to say in your profile – it’s very open.  I tend to get attached to people I like rather quickly as well, so it’s nice to see that someone else is like that too.  I would be remiss if I didn’t also say that I think you’re very pretty.

I’d love an opportunity to take you to dinner sometime.  Please message me if that’s something you might be interested in.


[She responded on 12/01/2008 11:42 am EST w/ an “icebreaker” (“Thanks for viewing my profile.  Would you like to chat?”) – which, to my experienced eye, means that she’s not paying for the site, and so can’t send emails.  My follow-up:]

On 12/01/2008 11:48 pm EST, you wrote:

Yes I would like to chat.  You can try me at my regular yahoo address – xyz is the part before the “at”.  Or, if you prefer, send a text to my cell 202-xxx-4558 with a good time to call you.

[…and, nothing.  I left it with this:]

On 12/09/2008 12:12 am EST, you wrote:

Still checking this email address?


I’m up for suggestions.  Seriously.

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Tom January 13, 2009 at 11:31

I’m laughing all right. It just sounds so humiliating.

And these profiles sound like such bullshit. Do some of them actually say “I like laughing”? Well, duh.

Here’s my internet dating profile:
“I like laughing, orgasms, and taking big dumps. But I don’t like frostbite, getting shot, or the taste of bleach.”


niceguyted January 14, 2009 at 09:12

Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m doing something wrong. I can’t put links in a comment, but if you can use the search fxn if you want to read my current Y! Personals profile (that’s the post title, as well). You may want to check with your shrink about the taking big dumps thing – there may be some repressed emotions to discuss – mentioning it in the same sentence as “orgasm” is a dead giveaway. ;-)


Tom January 13, 2009 at 11:32

PS, I’m not taller than 6′. In fact, I round up when I say I’m 6′. At last measure, I was 5′ 11.5″.


aLLi February 20, 2009 at 10:25

hahah , you should ask one girl if shes allergic to duck tape !!


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