My only critic taller than 6′ (and, consequently, my biggest), Tom, said that he would like more internet dating stories. Preferably funny ones. Here’s a start. I’m not sure if these are funny “ha-ha” or funny “awww” (or even funny anything), but what the heck, they’re a bit embarrassing for me, so they have to be a bit funny to someone.
Messages I’ve sent in the past month that didn’t work (by which I mean, didn’t get me a date):
On 01/09/2009 11:24 pm EST, you wrote:
Hi Jessi, I’m Ted. I like your brass knuckles necklace. Can I buy you dinner or coffee sometime?
On 01/05/2009 10:23 pm EST, you wrote:
Hi Danielle, I’m Ted. I like live music, dogs, and laughing, too. Can I buy you dinner or coffee sometime? I think we’d have plenty to talk about.
On 12/31/2008 12:24 am EST, you wrote:
Ooh. This really looks like a fake profile. No offense if you’re real. If you ARE real, would you like to get together for coffee sometime?
[Profile was deleted when I copied this – fake?]
On 12/21/2008 11:27 pm EST, you wrote:
What’s the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bricks?
[Ok, she specifically said “As far as qualities in a partner, I am looking for someone with an imagination, respect, ability to-go-with-the-flow, and can tell a good dead baby joke…”]
On 12/11/2008 10:32 pm EST, you wrote:
Hi Eunnie, I’m Ted. I like coffee and laughter as well. Would you like to get together sometime for both?
And finally, one with which I really thought I had a shot:
On 11/25/2008 12:29 am EST, you wrote:
Hi Ani, I’m Ted. I like what you have to say in your profile – it’s very open. I tend to get attached to people I like rather quickly as well, so it’s nice to see that someone else is like that too. I would be remiss if I didn’t also say that I think you’re very pretty.
I’d love an opportunity to take you to dinner sometime. Please message me if that’s something you might be interested in.
[She responded on 12/01/2008 11:42 am EST w/ an “icebreaker” (“Thanks for viewing my profile. Would you like to chat?”) – which, to my experienced eye, means that she’s not paying for the site, and so can’t send emails. My follow-up:]
On 12/01/2008 11:48 pm EST, you wrote:
Yes I would like to chat. You can try me at my regular yahoo address – xyz is the part before the “at”. Or, if you prefer, send a text to my cell 202-xxx-4558 with a good time to call you.
[…and, nothing. I left it with this:]
On 12/09/2008 12:12 am EST, you wrote:
Still checking this email address?
I’m up for suggestions. Seriously.