What Am I?

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I recently finished Alan Watts’ autobiography.  One of the reasons he said he wrote it was (to paraphrase) because his life was so terribly interesting.

And I can’t argue that his life wasn’t interesting.  Over the course of it, he met lots and lots of interesting people: brahmins, swamis, witches, artists, etc.  It seemed to me that everyone he met had a succinct characterization – a couple of short words that described who they were in the world.  Which left me wondering – and not for the first time in my life – what am I?

Before getting into too long a discussion about my own personal characteristics and still-developing beliefs, I have to say that, at bottom, I’m just me.  It’s not that I necessarily defy characterization, but rather that I just can’t seem to characterize me.  As with so many other aspects of life, I suppose that it’s really someone else’s job to characterize me, I’ll just continue being me and let somebody else figure out what pigeon-hole I fit into.  The more I try to be someone fit into a particular slot, the more work it takes and the less me I am.  (Unless, of course, trying to be(come) someone/thing else is an integral part of what it means to be me).  Try that one on for size, Freud.

Anyway, enough with all the italicizations.  For example, Watts met a wonderful woman whom he characterized as a something-something Green Witch.  Why can’t I be that?  Well, for one, I’m not a Witch.  I’ve read enough about Wicca (and even practice a little), but does that make me a Witch – and what color?  On a similar line, I’ve studied (and again, practiced) a bit of shamanism, but does that make me a shaman?  I don’t think I’m on a per se shamanic journey – though I might be and just not know it.

There’s quite a bit about Zen Buddhism that I dig, but I’m not really a Buddhist.  I’ve been reading the Zen page-a-day calendar for two years now, and certainly spend time meditating on my koans.  “Chop wood, fetch water, seek enlightement” is definitely sort of a mantra for me, though it’s probably something more like “______, solicit proxies, seek enlightenment.”  (I’m not telling what the ______ is.)

I studied Nietzsche in undergrad – my thesis ended up being kind of an amalgam of Nihilism and Perspectivism, which eventually led me around to Pragmatism (though, sadly, one must read between the lines to get there).  I’m a bit cynical, but I don’t know that I’m a straight Nihilist anymore.  Perspectivism?  Yeah, a bit.  I understand the theory of relativity a bit better, now.  Pragmatic?  That’s probably pretty close, but also pretty broad.

I grew up in America, so I’m also a Capitalist.  I really don’t do any volunteer work.  I like to get paid for what I do.

So:  Zen?  Yes, from what I understand of it.  Pragmatist?  Yes, I’m a “do what works” kind of guy.  Capitalist?  Yup.  Does that then make me a Pragmatic Zen Capitalist?  That doesn’t sound much like I’m on any kind of spiritual journey.

Bear with me, I’m working on it; if I figure out what I am, I’ll let you know.